Hard to Love

Is anyone else reading Present Over Perfect?  Holy smokes.  Anyone else feel like Shauna wrote this book just for you?  Just me?  If you've not yet read this spectacular book, stop what you're doing and order it immediately.  You won't be sorry.

In an interesting turn of events - I ended up with a previously scheduled vacation day and no specific plans, and I decided to keep it and just have a day to enjoy nothing to do.  My house is clean, laundry is done, grocery shopping done.  I'm determined to do things I like today...ok and maybe run to Costco because really, how else will my children survive the week without an econo-sized pack of  Eggo waffles?

Back to the book.  In reading this morning, this particular paragraph as she describes her 'lifeline best friends' really got me thinking:  "We talk every day, usually many times a day, and our constant refrain sounds like this: what can you lay down? How can we make this simpler? Are you getting enough rest? Can I take your kids for a couple hours? Instead of competing for who's busier or who's more tired, who's keeping more balls in the air, we're constantly looking for ways to help each other's lives get lighter, easier to carry, closer to the heart of what we love, less clogged with expectations and unnecessary tasks."

I recently had a friend tell me I was hard to love.  Her exact words were 'you're really hard to love.  it's not that you're unlovable, you just make it really hard to love you.'  Truth be told - I rolled my eyes on the inside and went on with my day; impressed with my high capacity to handle a lot, and proud that while I watched friends around me take each other's help - I didn't need it.  I chalked it up to my strong sense of personal accountability/responsibility.  Hard to love ... ha.  I'm just a super low maintenance friend.

Have I mentioned I'm really good at lying to myself?

I'm the queen of self-preservation.  I enjoy controlling my surroundings as much as humanly possible.  I enjoy being perceived at not needing anyone.  I perceive that this somehow proves my value-proposition to the universe.  Look universe, I am so capable.  And look universe, I don't need anyone.  I do not care for actual vulnerability, but I'm a big fan of calculated vulnerability...you know, the kind where you share just enough to make everyone around you go 'aw, she's so great - so genuine and willing to be vulnerable.'

It's so dangerous.  And it's so...oh I don't know...FALSE!

Back to what I read this morning.  As I read her words I started to think about friendships/groups of friends I observed around me.  I started to think of all the times people have reached out and offered me help, and I just roll my eyes and move on - yet, I watch others help each other in what appears to be a beautiful dance of intimate friendship.  And I sit here what, proud that I didn't ask for help?  That my saying no to help of any kind lets my friend know that I have things covered over here?  Nothing to see here folks, we're perfect at the Johnsons.

Dear sweet heavenly Lord, I DO NOT HAVE IT COVERED.

Let's be really clear.  I push all love and help away because the more people are let in, the greater the potential for hurt.  I do this in my marriage all the time.  If I'm too invested, if there's too much intimacy, if he actually knew how much I needed him, how much I loved him, believed in him ... what if knowing that makes me seem needy?  Clingy?  Well, who wants that?  And heaven forbid - I share my dreams, my fears, my insecurities...certainly not.  No one wants to be married to, let alone be friends with a failure! 

Enter the gentleness of the Holy Spirit.  Truth be told, I'm in one of those reality-altering moments where like Paul, I feel like scales are falling off my blinded eyes and as they fall - the seeing is more clear than it was before.  I think I have to work on real vulnerability, and I think accepting love might be part of that.  (for anyone who knows me well, this is the moment where I start pulling at my scarf because this type of emotional honesty feels like a NOOSE!)

So remember my friend who said I was hard to love?  Well, the next time she came over - I let her take out my trash.  Baby steps, people.  Baby steps.

Here's to being easier to love (and a whole bunch of other stuff - because apparently I'm less perfect than I'd like you do think).  Wink.

Yup. I'm a Crab.

I'm not sure if it's the typical sugar/carb detox crabby....or a special kind of crabby that only girls are gifted with each month.  But either way, I'm on a bit of a war path.  You can go ahead and feel sorry for my family right about now. 

Just keepin' it real. 

OK, so today is one week in.  I'm down about 3ish pounds.  Blah.  I just feel like it's fundamentally unfair that the pounds come off SO SLOW (unless you're a boy....in which case all you have to do is think about not drinking a soda, and boom - you've lost 10 pounds.  See, I told ya.  Crabby.)  But I feel like it's only fair that as soon as I commit to eating differently/cleaner I should naturally wake up a size zero.  Curse you, universe!

On a serious note, let's talk meal planning!

Monday
Breakfast - same greeeeeeeen smoothie from last week
Lunch - nothing.  I was in back-to-back meetings all day and ran out of time for lunch (cue the violins)
Dinner - Lettuce Wraps (these are ah-mazing).  Coconut aminos (soy sauce sub) are wonderful beyond words.  I buy the biggest bottle possible and it still doesn't last very long.

Tuesday
Breakfast - chia/coconut yogurt (total sweet tooth curb-er)
Lunch - the last round of spag squash/whole30 meat and marinara sauce
Dinner - chicken/pepper nachos...I hollow out those cute, little mini peppers and fill them with shredded chicken (I do mine in a crock pot, a rotisserie chicken could also work great) and then bake at 375 for 35ish minutes.  Top with guac.  Mmmm....

Wednesday
Breakfast - 1 egg/2 strips bacon
Lunch - leftover lettuce wraps
Dinner - Cleaning out the fridge night

Thursday
Breakfast - smoothie
Lunch - leftover lettuce wraps
Dinner - Baked sweet potatoes with coconut oil/cinnamon, shredded chicken with BBQ sauce and coleslaw

Friday
Breakfast - 1 egg/2 strips bacon
Lunch - leftovers
Dinner - Turkey meatballs (you must make these - to die for!) with another round of whole30 marinara with some steamed broccoli

Happy Tuesday!  Here's to a week with more pounds gone, less puffy bellies, good food, and hustling through the sugar detox process (and that other stuff too).

xo

Getting Started

Let's do this Whole30/Paleo thing!

[To be clear, I'm no expert and I'm no doctor.  I've tried and failed at this whole health and weight loss journey more times than I care to admit.  However, I do know that there's power in community and I have benefited by watching and learning from others.]

Are you in learning mode?

•  I highly recommend actually reading the Whole30 book.  It is well worth the $16.99, and you actually learn the medical/scientific thought process behind eating this way.  It's entertaining to read, and there are lots of great recipes.  You'll thank me later.
• I say both Whole30 along with Paleo because I have done the purist version of Whole30 and learned a few things along the way where I'll make modifications/allowances
• Here are my 2 favorite cookbooks:  #1 and #2
• Let's not forget the beauty of Pinterest!  I do a search almost weekly for Paleo and Whole30 recipes.  [If you want to check out some of my other boards/saved recipes - jesj1225]
• I get a lot of great ideas through Instagram as well. I'll share favorites along the way - but one of my top is @paleomg.  [I'm @ jesj120 if you want to follow along with my journey there...be forewarned, I post about food, but I also like my babies...a lot.]

First we shop....

**Note:

• If you want to use almond milk (highly recommend it!), you must look at ingredients!  Even some of the best brands look to be organic/natural, but still contain carrageenan.  You don't want to ingest that stuff, trust me.  Or don't trust me and look it up yourself, either way - don't drink it.
• When possible, I buy organic
• Based on everything I've read and learned in talking to people who are experts - don't skip supplements.  I live by the always take a multivitamin, a probiotic, and an omega3 (mine also has vit D).  And buy good supplements, as in from someplace like Whole Foods or Fresh Thyme, or a co-op.  And it's important to switch up your probiotic - don't buy one brand on repeat forever.  The end.  *hopefully you know this by now, but this is all just my own personal opinions based on all I've read and from conversations with my uber-fantastic PA who is part naturo-path/part western medicine.
• Not pictured here is the organic/virgin coconut oil I do most cooking with (I really like the Simply Balanced brand from Target, but there are many great brands out there) along with coconut aminos, which is a soy free substitute for soy sauce...and is ah-mazing.  Go buy some.  Or don't, and miss out.
• I use sriracha and raw organic honey in some of my cooking.  I call that out because it's not technically Whole30 approved.

Meal Plan for Jan wk 1:

Weekly Staples:

• Each morning = latte w/ coconut milk
• Snacks = apple w/ almond butter, organic raw cashews, organic raisins, lightly salted almonds (make sure you read your labels - if there's anything other than almonds and salt, no go!)

Tuesday:

• Breakfast
• Lunch *for the sauce, I do a less fussy version and add about 1/2 the pineapple juice and just add it to the pan vs making sauce separate
• Dinner - spaghetti squash and the marinara/tomato sauce recipe from the Whole30 book (I add 1lb of organic grass fed ground beef

Wednesday:

• Breakfast - 1 fried egg (cooked in coconut oil) + 2 strips bacon
• Lunch - same as Tuesday
• Dinner - fish tacos (Juli Bauer's cookbook linked above) + cilantro lime cauliflower rice

Thursday:

• Breakfast - same smoothie as Tuesday
• Lunch - left over spag squash + sauce
• Dinner - roasted sweet potatoes, poached eggs, bacon (breakfast for dinner!)

Friday:

• Breakfast - 1 fried egg (cooked in coconut oil) + 2 strips bacon
• Lunch - Salad bar at work
• Dinner - clean out the fridge/leftovers (do this in prep for grocery shopping Sat am)

2017, Let's Do This!

Ever walk by a mirror and think "whoa! how could I have let this happen?"

I have struggled with my weight since, oh I don't know, all of time.  I was always painfully aware of the 'other girls' with the better metabolism, or who were taller, or prettier, or really just anyone who didn't look like me...and how lucky they were that they didn't.  Fast forward 20 years, and here we are.  I've graduated high school and college, built a successful career over the course of 12 years, been married a decade and had 3 babies.  I've tried Atkins, Weight Watchers, drank Shakeology, done Whole30, joined (and quit...) countless gyms/fitness programs and here's what I know:

- my metabolism is pretty much garbage (like for real...countless rounds of bloodwork have confirmed this...cue the violins, I feel very sorry for myself)
- I like to eat my feelings.  All of them.  Happy, sad, fun, anxious, angry, PMS.  All of them.
- I felt the best I've ever felt while doing Whole30, but you know - I did it for 30 days and then went back to crappy eating and feeling unwell.  I'm smart like that.

So.  I'm turning 35 this year and while there is much in my life I'm proud of and feel really good about, there are actually a few pretty significant areas that need some more radical change. [Stay tuned, I'm holding myself accountable to blog on all of these areas]  For me, this is not about 'resolutions', I'm actually not someone who sets resolutions each January.  But, I am turning 35 in 2017 and so I'm using that as the fuel to make changes.  In 2016 it felt like life happened to me and I was just doing my best to block and tackle.  That has left me feeling beat-up, exhausted, taken advantage of, so fat!  I refuse to repeat that in 2017.  And the biggest area that needs major change is the scale.  It just does.  I'm not going to couch it in phrases like 'I just want to be healthy' - for some that's true.  But for me....I legit need to weigh less.  Period.  And I don't want to drink something expensive, or take a pill (side note - anybody remember when ephedra/ephedrine was legal?  I sure enjoyed getting down to a size 4 in college while eating cheeseburgers and fries.  But you know...that near heart attack probably was less awesome).  I want, scratch that, NEED to transition to thinking about food differently.  So, I'm opting for a Whole30/Paleo food plan. And I'm going to commit to blogging/insta posting about food planning, recipes, and how the journey is going.  Just for me.  If it helps anyone else with meal planning, great.  But, I need the accountability of keeping track of progress.

If you're interested in jumping on the band wagon along with several friends of mine... stay tuned.  More to come.

Happy New Year!

The First Decade

On this, the even of our 10th wedding anniversary, I have spent a decent amount of time thinking about the words I would use if I was re-writing my vows to my boy now, 10 years in. And let's be real... Home girl has a job, and 56 children and it's a frozen tundra out there - so who really has the time to stop by Hallmark, I'm thinking a good blog should suffice, right?

Dear, Sweet Husband:

• I promise to help watch for things like a stray nose hair, grey hair, ear hair and a neck that needs shaving, and in turn, you will not say a word about my post 3 babies, aging body. You're welcome.
• I promise to make a valiant effort to clean up my clothes off the bedroom floor at least once a week because I know you prefer things clean, even though I'd be fine to leave them there for a month.
• I promise to be down with your skinny jeans, and having 1700 of the exact same stocking cap, but I cannot remain silent when it comes to tunics. Just can't. Sorry.
• I promise to groan loudly showing great exasperation any time you mention not feeling well and comment on the annoyance that is men who are sick, while secretly making a mental list of your favorite sick remedies because deep down I want to take care of you.
• I promise to never stop marveling at your good looks, seriously. That beard, tho. You're a fox.
• I promise to never stop telling our babies how lucky they are that you're their Daddy. You are an incredible parent. You never seem to run out of energy for your babies. You delight in them and they are secure in that.
• I promise to always be excited for time with you, and to always wear make-up and shave my legs when we have date night.
• I promise to tolerate your snoring, because sleeping without you is terribly lonely.  And we'll continue pretending you're the only one who snores.
• I promise to cheer you on better in this 2nd decade than I started with in the 1st (um, can we strike year 1 from the record?)
• I promise to never stop praying for you.

Thank you for loving me well. Thank you for knowing me better than I ever give you credit for. Thank you for being unimpressed with my attitude. Thank you for being faithful and constant when I am all over the place. Thank you for working so hard. Thank you for encouraging me. Thank you for being proud of me. Thank you for creating space for me to do things I love. Thank you for being sure about us when I haven't been.  Thank you for never discouraging my pursuit of leadership and my career.  Thank you for never being threatened by my fierce independence.  I am more confidant and more comfortable when you're around. Nothing prepared me for the privilege of being yours. Even on our worst day, I am so honored to be your wife. Happy Anniversary, my love!

Because I Asked Him To...

One of the many (and I mean...MANY) things I've learned as we've transitioned from 2 children to 3 is that a frequent part of everyday conversation centers around this: carseat configuration.

We probably talk about it more than most because we refuse to purchase a minivan. [We certainly don't have anything against minivans or their drivers, we simply hope that by refusing to buy one we can maintain the facade that we are a cool and young hip couple driving an awesome SUV, meanwhile 56 children and their respective belongings are squished in the backseat.] Each of our SUVs has a carseat for all 3 of the kids, and Megan's carseat in particular happens to be a different brand/model in each car. She hates one and loves the other. Since she rides in my truck most often, the one she loves is in my car. Somehow through the course of normal management of life logistics, the one she hates ended up in my car. Every day when I'd pick her up from daycare she would lament over her frustration with this carseat and couldn't she PLEASE have the one she liked back from Daddy's car. This went on for weeks, but never quite made it to the top of my priority list to actually swap carseats. One day as I was getting her in the car post daycare pick-up I noticed the brown carseat (her favorite one) was back in my car. She was smiling ear to ear. I asked her how she got her beloved brown carseat back and her response was clear and confident 'because I asked him to.' Her response...that phrase...it nearly knocked me over.

BECAUSE I ASKED HIM TO.

She had complete and total confidence in her daddy's desire to do what she asked him. Her answer to me almost had a tone of 'duh...of course he did what I asked him to?' This was several weeks ago, and I haven't stopped thinking about it since.

When it comes to dads. I married up. No other way to put it. When I'm tired and frazzled and just simply not in the mood, I have to work really hard not to act annoyed or be snippy with our kids. Not my husband. He's the kind of dad who is sweaty and filthy working in the yard and as soon as he sees his daughters run out to see what he's up to they are greeted with an enthusiastic 'Hey Baby!' I've often marveled at this, and hoped my children would grow up knowing how lucky they are to have a Daddy who doesn't just tolerate their existence, or responsibly parent them, but who truly DELIGHTS in them. No matter how tired he is, he makes time for stories, for teaching piano, for silliness, for horsey rides, and all sorts of shenanigans. He loves them and they are sure of his love and confident in his desire to care for them.

It's Father's Day tomorrow...

To my baby daddy, I am eternally grateful for the way you love our babies. And I am profoundly thankful that in the way you love our babies, you are also painting a picture that reminds me in so many ways of the love God has for His children, more specifically - me.

Back to the carseat. That particular day, hearing my Megan give her emphatic answer of 'because I asked him to' was a total Holy Spirit nudge moment. What, in my life, should I be referencing the same way. What could it look like if I pursued a relationship with my Heavenly Father in the same way my daughters treasure every moment with their dad. What if I prayed with the same level of confidence and expectancy that my daughter felt when she asked something of her dad; sure of his love for her and his desire to give her good things.

~If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! Matthew 7:11~

A Jet Ski & Shopping Trip [and a lesson in trust]

We had the chance to get away for a week of vacation in northern Minnesota a couple of weeks ago.  We spent the entire week enjoying the beach...swimming, boating, jet ski-ing, bonfires, s'mores, etc.  It was fantastic!  One of the things we got to do was take both girls for jet ski rides for the very first time.  Each time I'd take one of the girls out with me - I found myself hyperaware of everything around me.  As we'd go out into the water I was scanning for all other watercraft, other swimmers, what direction did I think the far away boat was going to go, etc.  Initially Abby told me 'NO WAVES' because she was scared of going over the bumpy parts, but I knew she'd love it if she experienced it.  I knew she couldn't handle massive waves that surprised us, I had to go looking for (or create) little ones.  I watched her and watched the water like a hawk.  When we cruised over the smaller waves, and then bigger and bigger ones - she would laugh and laugh out of pure joy.  It was a blast.  Nothing was coming at us that would surprise me - even if it'd surprise her...I knew what she could and couldn't handle and I was not about to put her in harms way.  One night laying in bed at the cabin I was thinking about this phenomenon of being a parent and specifically the way it changed how I operated on a jet ski [an aside...how on earth does a person spell JET SKI?  I've now googled, spell checked and dictionary.com searched and come up with many things.  Sheesh!] with my daughter in front of me - completely enveloped by my arms.  Nothing was going to happen to her that wasn't encased in my protection.  I had a fleeting thought...'God - is this how you feel about us?'  'Is this a physical/visual picture of why it's safe to completely place all my trust, hopes, fears, dreams...my kids (!!!) in your care?'

We got back from vacation and resumed normal activity, but these thoughts still stayed in a corner of my mind.  We went shopping this past week-end and I was on Megan duty walking from the car to the store.  She of course wanted to walk and not be held.  Again - mama senses at high alert.  I gave her the tiniest bit of space to walk like a big girl, but what she didn't know is that I was watching all around her - watching for cars, watching for the curb coming up she could potentially trip on, etc.  In that moment...same thought.  'God - is this how you feel about us?'

I've often told people - I had no concept of what the love of God as Heavenly Father looked like until I had my first baby and then...WHAM.  And often - for me personally - the ways God will speak to my spirit involve something I'm feeling/doing in relation to my children and he'll flip the visual around to convict me, give me a word, encourage me, etc.  So as I chewed on this...I did a quick google search.  Does the Bible even really speak to this parental side of God that I've sort of assigned him in this romanticized picture in my mind?

Sure does.

"I myself said, 'How gladly would I treat you like my children and give you a pleasant land, the most beautiful inheritance of any nation.'  I thought you would call me 'Father' and not turn away from following me." -- Jeremiah 3:19

"Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him." -- Matthew 6:8

"The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship.  And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father.' " -- Romans 8:15

On my drive into work this morning I was thinking about this and plotting out this blog post and really wishing I could end with a sentence saying something like "and so therefore - done, sold - I trust God fully and without question."  But for me - the reality is that in my mind, that's true.  When it comes to theology, belief system, what I know is true...I get it.  I know that that I can place all my trust in Him.  He's watching for the waves - he knows what I can handle, even when I (in my infinite wisdom...) have said 'no thank you.'  And yet from a heart perspective...it's harder.  It's something that is being worked out in my faith - day in and day out. 

Perhaps I'm just posing this question again to myself...but should anyone else stumble across this post, I feel compelled to ask.  Is there something you're struggling to trust God with...to trust God for?  In all transparency...for me right now, it's my oldest daughter who will go to kindergarten next week.  And I'm completely overwhelmed that the God of the universe - the same God who is over all that is happening around the world right now - knows the inner most parts of my heart and for this season of life...He gave my mama heart a picture that I could connect with.