A Jet Ski & Shopping Trip [and a lesson in trust]

We had the chance to get away for a week of vacation in northern Minnesota a couple of weeks ago.  We spent the entire week enjoying the beach...swimming, boating, jet ski-ing, bonfires, s'mores, etc.  It was fantastic!  One of the things we got to do was take both girls for jet ski rides for the very first time.  Each time I'd take one of the girls out with me - I found myself hyperaware of everything around me.  As we'd go out into the water I was scanning for all other watercraft, other swimmers, what direction did I think the far away boat was going to go, etc.  Initially Abby told me 'NO WAVES' because she was scared of going over the bumpy parts, but I knew she'd love it if she experienced it.  I knew she couldn't handle massive waves that surprised us, I had to go looking for (or create) little ones.  I watched her and watched the water like a hawk.  When we cruised over the smaller waves, and then bigger and bigger ones - she would laugh and laugh out of pure joy.  It was a blast.  Nothing was coming at us that would surprise me - even if it'd surprise her...I knew what she could and couldn't handle and I was not about to put her in harms way.  One night laying in bed at the cabin I was thinking about this phenomenon of being a parent and specifically the way it changed how I operated on a jet ski [an aside...how on earth does a person spell JET SKI?  I've now googled, spell checked and dictionary.com searched and come up with many things.  Sheesh!] with my daughter in front of me - completely enveloped by my arms.  Nothing was going to happen to her that wasn't encased in my protection.  I had a fleeting thought...'God - is this how you feel about us?'  'Is this a physical/visual picture of why it's safe to completely place all my trust, hopes, fears, dreams...my kids (!!!) in your care?'

We got back from vacation and resumed normal activity, but these thoughts still stayed in a corner of my mind.  We went shopping this past week-end and I was on Megan duty walking from the car to the store.  She of course wanted to walk and not be held.  Again - mama senses at high alert.  I gave her the tiniest bit of space to walk like a big girl, but what she didn't know is that I was watching all around her - watching for cars, watching for the curb coming up she could potentially trip on, etc.  In that moment...same thought.  'God - is this how you feel about us?'

I've often told people - I had no concept of what the love of God as Heavenly Father looked like until I had my first baby and then...WHAM.  And often - for me personally - the ways God will speak to my spirit involve something I'm feeling/doing in relation to my children and he'll flip the visual around to convict me, give me a word, encourage me, etc.  So as I chewed on this...I did a quick google search.  Does the Bible even really speak to this parental side of God that I've sort of assigned him in this romanticized picture in my mind?

Sure does.

"I myself said, 'How gladly would I treat you like my children and give you a pleasant land, the most beautiful inheritance of any nation.'  I thought you would call me 'Father' and not turn away from following me." -- Jeremiah 3:19

"Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him." -- Matthew 6:8

"The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship.  And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father.' " -- Romans 8:15

On my drive into work this morning I was thinking about this and plotting out this blog post and really wishing I could end with a sentence saying something like "and so therefore - done, sold - I trust God fully and without question."  But for me - the reality is that in my mind, that's true.  When it comes to theology, belief system, what I know is true...I get it.  I know that that I can place all my trust in Him.  He's watching for the waves - he knows what I can handle, even when I (in my infinite wisdom...) have said 'no thank you.'  And yet from a heart perspective...it's harder.  It's something that is being worked out in my faith - day in and day out. 

Perhaps I'm just posing this question again to myself...but should anyone else stumble across this post, I feel compelled to ask.  Is there something you're struggling to trust God with...to trust God for?  In all transparency...for me right now, it's my oldest daughter who will go to kindergarten next week.  And I'm completely overwhelmed that the God of the universe - the same God who is over all that is happening around the world right now - knows the inner most parts of my heart and for this season of life...He gave my mama heart a picture that I could connect with.

Role Clarity

I've been thinking a lot lately about role clarity.  It's something I've had the chance to spend a great deal of time working on over the years as I've built a career in HR.  One of my very favorite parts of my job is organizational design work - to sit with a group of leaders and ask questions like...

In simple terms -what is the goal?

What is currently enabling the goal to be met and what is standing in the way?

What is the necessary output of this team?

Remove all names, ego, pride, history, seniority, and anything else personal and just look at the work - are you clear on the desired outcome?

At the end of the day - what does success look like?

And to then spend time with them building out a team structure to most efficiently and most excellently deliver the end result.  

But that's work.

This is about life.

Because I spend so much time in my professional life thinking about ROLES I am acutely aware of the different roles I play in my life.  Wife.  Mom.  Daughter.  Friend.  Etc.

The role of wife is probably the one I spend the most time thinking about.  Webster defines ROLE as 'a character assigned or assumed.'  WIFE is defined as 'a female partner in a marriage.'  And we know that the Bible pretty clearly articulates the role of the wife - characteristics of a wife and the interaction model between husbands and wives...and wait for it...ROLE CLARITY between husbands and wives. I hate the word submission.  Period.  I just do.  I'm an independent gal, I have strong opinions, I'm a leader, I enjoy being an equal partner, I enjoy having a point of view, knowing where our finances are, having a say in decision making, etc.  And yet there's something in me that is hard-wired to be directed, to be led, to be cared for, to be protected, to come under a covering...to submit.  Dang it.  

Every day that passes I am more and more certain that my husband was designed by God specifically for me (I mean, obviously I believe that he was, but I truly SEE it more and more all the time).  He is patient and steadfast, confident and gentle and is completely unimpressed with the walls I put up and the hard exterior I 'sport' from time to time.  We operate in a partnership in every sense of the word - we both work, he does daycare drop-off - I do daycare pick-up, we both pay bills, we both clean the house, etc.  (He is not allowed to do laundry....there was one episode year 1 of marriage where a swimsuit met the dryer.  No more laundry for Aaron.)  We have the awesome privilege of having some pretty incredible marriages that surround us, and I have many a gal-pal who seem to have this whole role of wife nailed - who challenge me and set an amazing example.  And as we deepen our relationships with a subset of couples I am profoundly challenged to better align myself under the covering of my husband.  To follow his lead more often.  And to fiercely pray for him as he leads me and leads our family vs fiercely trying to state my peace and to tirelessly try to get him to do what I want.  I will always be a gal who has an opinion and shares it, and thankfully I'm married to a guy who cares and wants to hear my opinion and who wants to make decisions together.  It will always be important to me to be just as educated on our finances as he is.  It will always be important to me to be just as involved in the negotiation of a new car price as he is.  And the list goes on.

So - looking back at the definitions I shared above...it's not just that I've assumed the role of female partner in marriage; I've been assigned the role of female partner in marriage.  And if I believe the Bible to be God's word - I've got this whole role clarity thing pretty clearly mapped out for me.  What's required of me is my willingness to operate differently.  So...back to my list of questions I like to ask my clients.  If I spend some time asking myself those questions as it pertains to marriage - the answers are actually really clear.  And while I've got work to do in this area (let's be honest...who doesn't have work to do in some area of life?!  OK fine, if you don't...you can come over and clean my house) - I'm amazed at the faithful blessings that are there every time I take strides toward becoming more godly in my role as Wife.