Hard to Love

Is anyone else reading Present Over Perfect?  Holy smokes.  Anyone else feel like Shauna wrote this book just for you?  Just me?  If you've not yet read this spectacular book, stop what you're doing and order it immediately.  You won't be sorry.

In an interesting turn of events - I ended up with a previously scheduled vacation day and no specific plans, and I decided to keep it and just have a day to enjoy nothing to do.  My house is clean, laundry is done, grocery shopping done.  I'm determined to do things I like today...ok and maybe run to Costco because really, how else will my children survive the week without an econo-sized pack of  Eggo waffles?

Back to the book.  In reading this morning, this particular paragraph as she describes her 'lifeline best friends' really got me thinking:  "We talk every day, usually many times a day, and our constant refrain sounds like this: what can you lay down? How can we make this simpler? Are you getting enough rest? Can I take your kids for a couple hours? Instead of competing for who's busier or who's more tired, who's keeping more balls in the air, we're constantly looking for ways to help each other's lives get lighter, easier to carry, closer to the heart of what we love, less clogged with expectations and unnecessary tasks."

I recently had a friend tell me I was hard to love.  Her exact words were 'you're really hard to love.  it's not that you're unlovable, you just make it really hard to love you.'  Truth be told - I rolled my eyes on the inside and went on with my day; impressed with my high capacity to handle a lot, and proud that while I watched friends around me take each other's help - I didn't need it.  I chalked it up to my strong sense of personal accountability/responsibility.  Hard to love ... ha.  I'm just a super low maintenance friend.

Have I mentioned I'm really good at lying to myself?

I'm the queen of self-preservation.  I enjoy controlling my surroundings as much as humanly possible.  I enjoy being perceived at not needing anyone.  I perceive that this somehow proves my value-proposition to the universe.  Look universe, I am so capable.  And look universe, I don't need anyone.  I do not care for actual vulnerability, but I'm a big fan of calculated vulnerability...you know, the kind where you share just enough to make everyone around you go 'aw, she's so great - so genuine and willing to be vulnerable.'

It's so dangerous.  And it's so...oh I don't know...FALSE!

Back to what I read this morning.  As I read her words I started to think about friendships/groups of friends I observed around me.  I started to think of all the times people have reached out and offered me help, and I just roll my eyes and move on - yet, I watch others help each other in what appears to be a beautiful dance of intimate friendship.  And I sit here what, proud that I didn't ask for help?  That my saying no to help of any kind lets my friend know that I have things covered over here?  Nothing to see here folks, we're perfect at the Johnsons.

Dear sweet heavenly Lord, I DO NOT HAVE IT COVERED.

Let's be really clear.  I push all love and help away because the more people are let in, the greater the potential for hurt.  I do this in my marriage all the time.  If I'm too invested, if there's too much intimacy, if he actually knew how much I needed him, how much I loved him, believed in him ... what if knowing that makes me seem needy?  Clingy?  Well, who wants that?  And heaven forbid - I share my dreams, my fears, my insecurities...certainly not.  No one wants to be married to, let alone be friends with a failure! 

Enter the gentleness of the Holy Spirit.  Truth be told, I'm in one of those reality-altering moments where like Paul, I feel like scales are falling off my blinded eyes and as they fall - the seeing is more clear than it was before.  I think I have to work on real vulnerability, and I think accepting love might be part of that.  (for anyone who knows me well, this is the moment where I start pulling at my scarf because this type of emotional honesty feels like a NOOSE!)

So remember my friend who said I was hard to love?  Well, the next time she came over - I let her take out my trash.  Baby steps, people.  Baby steps.

Here's to being easier to love (and a whole bunch of other stuff - because apparently I'm less perfect than I'd like you do think).  Wink.

Yup. I'm a Crab.

I'm not sure if it's the typical sugar/carb detox crabby....or a special kind of crabby that only girls are gifted with each month.  But either way, I'm on a bit of a war path.  You can go ahead and feel sorry for my family right about now. 

Just keepin' it real. 

OK, so today is one week in.  I'm down about 3ish pounds.  Blah.  I just feel like it's fundamentally unfair that the pounds come off SO SLOW (unless you're a boy....in which case all you have to do is think about not drinking a soda, and boom - you've lost 10 pounds.  See, I told ya.  Crabby.)  But I feel like it's only fair that as soon as I commit to eating differently/cleaner I should naturally wake up a size zero.  Curse you, universe!

On a serious note, let's talk meal planning!

Monday
Breakfast - same greeeeeeeen smoothie from last week
Lunch - nothing.  I was in back-to-back meetings all day and ran out of time for lunch (cue the violins)
Dinner - Lettuce Wraps (these are ah-mazing).  Coconut aminos (soy sauce sub) are wonderful beyond words.  I buy the biggest bottle possible and it still doesn't last very long.

Tuesday
Breakfast - chia/coconut yogurt (total sweet tooth curb-er)
Lunch - the last round of spag squash/whole30 meat and marinara sauce
Dinner - chicken/pepper nachos...I hollow out those cute, little mini peppers and fill them with shredded chicken (I do mine in a crock pot, a rotisserie chicken could also work great) and then bake at 375 for 35ish minutes.  Top with guac.  Mmmm....

Wednesday
Breakfast - 1 egg/2 strips bacon
Lunch - leftover lettuce wraps
Dinner - Cleaning out the fridge night

Thursday
Breakfast - smoothie
Lunch - leftover lettuce wraps
Dinner - Baked sweet potatoes with coconut oil/cinnamon, shredded chicken with BBQ sauce and coleslaw

Friday
Breakfast - 1 egg/2 strips bacon
Lunch - leftovers
Dinner - Turkey meatballs (you must make these - to die for!) with another round of whole30 marinara with some steamed broccoli

Happy Tuesday!  Here's to a week with more pounds gone, less puffy bellies, good food, and hustling through the sugar detox process (and that other stuff too).

xo

Getting Started

Let's do this Whole30/Paleo thing!

[To be clear, I'm no expert and I'm no doctor.  I've tried and failed at this whole health and weight loss journey more times than I care to admit.  However, I do know that there's power in community and I have benefited by watching and learning from others.]

Are you in learning mode?

•  I highly recommend actually reading the Whole30 book.  It is well worth the $16.99, and you actually learn the medical/scientific thought process behind eating this way.  It's entertaining to read, and there are lots of great recipes.  You'll thank me later.
• I say both Whole30 along with Paleo because I have done the purist version of Whole30 and learned a few things along the way where I'll make modifications/allowances
• Here are my 2 favorite cookbooks:  #1 and #2
• Let's not forget the beauty of Pinterest!  I do a search almost weekly for Paleo and Whole30 recipes.  [If you want to check out some of my other boards/saved recipes - jesj1225]
• I get a lot of great ideas through Instagram as well. I'll share favorites along the way - but one of my top is @paleomg.  [I'm @ jesj120 if you want to follow along with my journey there...be forewarned, I post about food, but I also like my babies...a lot.]

First we shop....

**Note:

• If you want to use almond milk (highly recommend it!), you must look at ingredients!  Even some of the best brands look to be organic/natural, but still contain carrageenan.  You don't want to ingest that stuff, trust me.  Or don't trust me and look it up yourself, either way - don't drink it.
• When possible, I buy organic
• Based on everything I've read and learned in talking to people who are experts - don't skip supplements.  I live by the always take a multivitamin, a probiotic, and an omega3 (mine also has vit D).  And buy good supplements, as in from someplace like Whole Foods or Fresh Thyme, or a co-op.  And it's important to switch up your probiotic - don't buy one brand on repeat forever.  The end.  *hopefully you know this by now, but this is all just my own personal opinions based on all I've read and from conversations with my uber-fantastic PA who is part naturo-path/part western medicine.
• Not pictured here is the organic/virgin coconut oil I do most cooking with (I really like the Simply Balanced brand from Target, but there are many great brands out there) along with coconut aminos, which is a soy free substitute for soy sauce...and is ah-mazing.  Go buy some.  Or don't, and miss out.
• I use sriracha and raw organic honey in some of my cooking.  I call that out because it's not technically Whole30 approved.

Meal Plan for Jan wk 1:

Weekly Staples:

• Each morning = latte w/ coconut milk
• Snacks = apple w/ almond butter, organic raw cashews, organic raisins, lightly salted almonds (make sure you read your labels - if there's anything other than almonds and salt, no go!)

Tuesday:

• Breakfast
• Lunch *for the sauce, I do a less fussy version and add about 1/2 the pineapple juice and just add it to the pan vs making sauce separate
• Dinner - spaghetti squash and the marinara/tomato sauce recipe from the Whole30 book (I add 1lb of organic grass fed ground beef

Wednesday:

• Breakfast - 1 fried egg (cooked in coconut oil) + 2 strips bacon
• Lunch - same as Tuesday
• Dinner - fish tacos (Juli Bauer's cookbook linked above) + cilantro lime cauliflower rice

Thursday:

• Breakfast - same smoothie as Tuesday
• Lunch - left over spag squash + sauce
• Dinner - roasted sweet potatoes, poached eggs, bacon (breakfast for dinner!)

Friday:

• Breakfast - 1 fried egg (cooked in coconut oil) + 2 strips bacon
• Lunch - Salad bar at work
• Dinner - clean out the fridge/leftovers (do this in prep for grocery shopping Sat am)

2017, Let's Do This!

Ever walk by a mirror and think "whoa! how could I have let this happen?"

I have struggled with my weight since, oh I don't know, all of time.  I was always painfully aware of the 'other girls' with the better metabolism, or who were taller, or prettier, or really just anyone who didn't look like me...and how lucky they were that they didn't.  Fast forward 20 years, and here we are.  I've graduated high school and college, built a successful career over the course of 12 years, been married a decade and had 3 babies.  I've tried Atkins, Weight Watchers, drank Shakeology, done Whole30, joined (and quit...) countless gyms/fitness programs and here's what I know:

- my metabolism is pretty much garbage (like for real...countless rounds of bloodwork have confirmed this...cue the violins, I feel very sorry for myself)
- I like to eat my feelings.  All of them.  Happy, sad, fun, anxious, angry, PMS.  All of them.
- I felt the best I've ever felt while doing Whole30, but you know - I did it for 30 days and then went back to crappy eating and feeling unwell.  I'm smart like that.

So.  I'm turning 35 this year and while there is much in my life I'm proud of and feel really good about, there are actually a few pretty significant areas that need some more radical change. [Stay tuned, I'm holding myself accountable to blog on all of these areas]  For me, this is not about 'resolutions', I'm actually not someone who sets resolutions each January.  But, I am turning 35 in 2017 and so I'm using that as the fuel to make changes.  In 2016 it felt like life happened to me and I was just doing my best to block and tackle.  That has left me feeling beat-up, exhausted, taken advantage of, so fat!  I refuse to repeat that in 2017.  And the biggest area that needs major change is the scale.  It just does.  I'm not going to couch it in phrases like 'I just want to be healthy' - for some that's true.  But for me....I legit need to weigh less.  Period.  And I don't want to drink something expensive, or take a pill (side note - anybody remember when ephedra/ephedrine was legal?  I sure enjoyed getting down to a size 4 in college while eating cheeseburgers and fries.  But you know...that near heart attack probably was less awesome).  I want, scratch that, NEED to transition to thinking about food differently.  So, I'm opting for a Whole30/Paleo food plan. And I'm going to commit to blogging/insta posting about food planning, recipes, and how the journey is going.  Just for me.  If it helps anyone else with meal planning, great.  But, I need the accountability of keeping track of progress.

If you're interested in jumping on the band wagon along with several friends of mine... stay tuned.  More to come.

Happy New Year!

The First Decade

On this, the even of our 10th wedding anniversary, I have spent a decent amount of time thinking about the words I would use if I was re-writing my vows to my boy now, 10 years in. And let's be real... Home girl has a job, and 56 children and it's a frozen tundra out there - so who really has the time to stop by Hallmark, I'm thinking a good blog should suffice, right?

Dear, Sweet Husband:

• I promise to help watch for things like a stray nose hair, grey hair, ear hair and a neck that needs shaving, and in turn, you will not say a word about my post 3 babies, aging body. You're welcome.
• I promise to make a valiant effort to clean up my clothes off the bedroom floor at least once a week because I know you prefer things clean, even though I'd be fine to leave them there for a month.
• I promise to be down with your skinny jeans, and having 1700 of the exact same stocking cap, but I cannot remain silent when it comes to tunics. Just can't. Sorry.
• I promise to groan loudly showing great exasperation any time you mention not feeling well and comment on the annoyance that is men who are sick, while secretly making a mental list of your favorite sick remedies because deep down I want to take care of you.
• I promise to never stop marveling at your good looks, seriously. That beard, tho. You're a fox.
• I promise to never stop telling our babies how lucky they are that you're their Daddy. You are an incredible parent. You never seem to run out of energy for your babies. You delight in them and they are secure in that.
• I promise to always be excited for time with you, and to always wear make-up and shave my legs when we have date night.
• I promise to tolerate your snoring, because sleeping without you is terribly lonely.  And we'll continue pretending you're the only one who snores.
• I promise to cheer you on better in this 2nd decade than I started with in the 1st (um, can we strike year 1 from the record?)
• I promise to never stop praying for you.

Thank you for loving me well. Thank you for knowing me better than I ever give you credit for. Thank you for being unimpressed with my attitude. Thank you for being faithful and constant when I am all over the place. Thank you for working so hard. Thank you for encouraging me. Thank you for being proud of me. Thank you for creating space for me to do things I love. Thank you for being sure about us when I haven't been.  Thank you for never discouraging my pursuit of leadership and my career.  Thank you for never being threatened by my fierce independence.  I am more confidant and more comfortable when you're around. Nothing prepared me for the privilege of being yours. Even on our worst day, I am so honored to be your wife. Happy Anniversary, my love!

Because I Asked Him To...

One of the many (and I mean...MANY) things I've learned as we've transitioned from 2 children to 3 is that a frequent part of everyday conversation centers around this: carseat configuration.

We probably talk about it more than most because we refuse to purchase a minivan. [We certainly don't have anything against minivans or their drivers, we simply hope that by refusing to buy one we can maintain the facade that we are a cool and young hip couple driving an awesome SUV, meanwhile 56 children and their respective belongings are squished in the backseat.] Each of our SUVs has a carseat for all 3 of the kids, and Megan's carseat in particular happens to be a different brand/model in each car. She hates one and loves the other. Since she rides in my truck most often, the one she loves is in my car. Somehow through the course of normal management of life logistics, the one she hates ended up in my car. Every day when I'd pick her up from daycare she would lament over her frustration with this carseat and couldn't she PLEASE have the one she liked back from Daddy's car. This went on for weeks, but never quite made it to the top of my priority list to actually swap carseats. One day as I was getting her in the car post daycare pick-up I noticed the brown carseat (her favorite one) was back in my car. She was smiling ear to ear. I asked her how she got her beloved brown carseat back and her response was clear and confident 'because I asked him to.' Her response...that phrase...it nearly knocked me over.

BECAUSE I ASKED HIM TO.

She had complete and total confidence in her daddy's desire to do what she asked him. Her answer to me almost had a tone of 'duh...of course he did what I asked him to?' This was several weeks ago, and I haven't stopped thinking about it since.

When it comes to dads. I married up. No other way to put it. When I'm tired and frazzled and just simply not in the mood, I have to work really hard not to act annoyed or be snippy with our kids. Not my husband. He's the kind of dad who is sweaty and filthy working in the yard and as soon as he sees his daughters run out to see what he's up to they are greeted with an enthusiastic 'Hey Baby!' I've often marveled at this, and hoped my children would grow up knowing how lucky they are to have a Daddy who doesn't just tolerate their existence, or responsibly parent them, but who truly DELIGHTS in them. No matter how tired he is, he makes time for stories, for teaching piano, for silliness, for horsey rides, and all sorts of shenanigans. He loves them and they are sure of his love and confident in his desire to care for them.

It's Father's Day tomorrow...

To my baby daddy, I am eternally grateful for the way you love our babies. And I am profoundly thankful that in the way you love our babies, you are also painting a picture that reminds me in so many ways of the love God has for His children, more specifically - me.

Back to the carseat. That particular day, hearing my Megan give her emphatic answer of 'because I asked him to' was a total Holy Spirit nudge moment. What, in my life, should I be referencing the same way. What could it look like if I pursued a relationship with my Heavenly Father in the same way my daughters treasure every moment with their dad. What if I prayed with the same level of confidence and expectancy that my daughter felt when she asked something of her dad; sure of his love for her and his desire to give her good things.

~If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! Matthew 7:11~

A Jet Ski & Shopping Trip [and a lesson in trust]

We had the chance to get away for a week of vacation in northern Minnesota a couple of weeks ago.  We spent the entire week enjoying the beach...swimming, boating, jet ski-ing, bonfires, s'mores, etc.  It was fantastic!  One of the things we got to do was take both girls for jet ski rides for the very first time.  Each time I'd take one of the girls out with me - I found myself hyperaware of everything around me.  As we'd go out into the water I was scanning for all other watercraft, other swimmers, what direction did I think the far away boat was going to go, etc.  Initially Abby told me 'NO WAVES' because she was scared of going over the bumpy parts, but I knew she'd love it if she experienced it.  I knew she couldn't handle massive waves that surprised us, I had to go looking for (or create) little ones.  I watched her and watched the water like a hawk.  When we cruised over the smaller waves, and then bigger and bigger ones - she would laugh and laugh out of pure joy.  It was a blast.  Nothing was coming at us that would surprise me - even if it'd surprise her...I knew what she could and couldn't handle and I was not about to put her in harms way.  One night laying in bed at the cabin I was thinking about this phenomenon of being a parent and specifically the way it changed how I operated on a jet ski [an aside...how on earth does a person spell JET SKI?  I've now googled, spell checked and dictionary.com searched and come up with many things.  Sheesh!] with my daughter in front of me - completely enveloped by my arms.  Nothing was going to happen to her that wasn't encased in my protection.  I had a fleeting thought...'God - is this how you feel about us?'  'Is this a physical/visual picture of why it's safe to completely place all my trust, hopes, fears, dreams...my kids (!!!) in your care?'

We got back from vacation and resumed normal activity, but these thoughts still stayed in a corner of my mind.  We went shopping this past week-end and I was on Megan duty walking from the car to the store.  She of course wanted to walk and not be held.  Again - mama senses at high alert.  I gave her the tiniest bit of space to walk like a big girl, but what she didn't know is that I was watching all around her - watching for cars, watching for the curb coming up she could potentially trip on, etc.  In that moment...same thought.  'God - is this how you feel about us?'

I've often told people - I had no concept of what the love of God as Heavenly Father looked like until I had my first baby and then...WHAM.  And often - for me personally - the ways God will speak to my spirit involve something I'm feeling/doing in relation to my children and he'll flip the visual around to convict me, give me a word, encourage me, etc.  So as I chewed on this...I did a quick google search.  Does the Bible even really speak to this parental side of God that I've sort of assigned him in this romanticized picture in my mind?

Sure does.

"I myself said, 'How gladly would I treat you like my children and give you a pleasant land, the most beautiful inheritance of any nation.'  I thought you would call me 'Father' and not turn away from following me." -- Jeremiah 3:19

"Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him." -- Matthew 6:8

"The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship.  And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father.' " -- Romans 8:15

On my drive into work this morning I was thinking about this and plotting out this blog post and really wishing I could end with a sentence saying something like "and so therefore - done, sold - I trust God fully and without question."  But for me - the reality is that in my mind, that's true.  When it comes to theology, belief system, what I know is true...I get it.  I know that that I can place all my trust in Him.  He's watching for the waves - he knows what I can handle, even when I (in my infinite wisdom...) have said 'no thank you.'  And yet from a heart perspective...it's harder.  It's something that is being worked out in my faith - day in and day out. 

Perhaps I'm just posing this question again to myself...but should anyone else stumble across this post, I feel compelled to ask.  Is there something you're struggling to trust God with...to trust God for?  In all transparency...for me right now, it's my oldest daughter who will go to kindergarten next week.  And I'm completely overwhelmed that the God of the universe - the same God who is over all that is happening around the world right now - knows the inner most parts of my heart and for this season of life...He gave my mama heart a picture that I could connect with.

Role Clarity

I've been thinking a lot lately about role clarity.  It's something I've had the chance to spend a great deal of time working on over the years as I've built a career in HR.  One of my very favorite parts of my job is organizational design work - to sit with a group of leaders and ask questions like...

In simple terms -what is the goal?

What is currently enabling the goal to be met and what is standing in the way?

What is the necessary output of this team?

Remove all names, ego, pride, history, seniority, and anything else personal and just look at the work - are you clear on the desired outcome?

At the end of the day - what does success look like?

And to then spend time with them building out a team structure to most efficiently and most excellently deliver the end result.  

But that's work.

This is about life.

Because I spend so much time in my professional life thinking about ROLES I am acutely aware of the different roles I play in my life.  Wife.  Mom.  Daughter.  Friend.  Etc.

The role of wife is probably the one I spend the most time thinking about.  Webster defines ROLE as 'a character assigned or assumed.'  WIFE is defined as 'a female partner in a marriage.'  And we know that the Bible pretty clearly articulates the role of the wife - characteristics of a wife and the interaction model between husbands and wives...and wait for it...ROLE CLARITY between husbands and wives. I hate the word submission.  Period.  I just do.  I'm an independent gal, I have strong opinions, I'm a leader, I enjoy being an equal partner, I enjoy having a point of view, knowing where our finances are, having a say in decision making, etc.  And yet there's something in me that is hard-wired to be directed, to be led, to be cared for, to be protected, to come under a covering...to submit.  Dang it.  

Every day that passes I am more and more certain that my husband was designed by God specifically for me (I mean, obviously I believe that he was, but I truly SEE it more and more all the time).  He is patient and steadfast, confident and gentle and is completely unimpressed with the walls I put up and the hard exterior I 'sport' from time to time.  We operate in a partnership in every sense of the word - we both work, he does daycare drop-off - I do daycare pick-up, we both pay bills, we both clean the house, etc.  (He is not allowed to do laundry....there was one episode year 1 of marriage where a swimsuit met the dryer.  No more laundry for Aaron.)  We have the awesome privilege of having some pretty incredible marriages that surround us, and I have many a gal-pal who seem to have this whole role of wife nailed - who challenge me and set an amazing example.  And as we deepen our relationships with a subset of couples I am profoundly challenged to better align myself under the covering of my husband.  To follow his lead more often.  And to fiercely pray for him as he leads me and leads our family vs fiercely trying to state my peace and to tirelessly try to get him to do what I want.  I will always be a gal who has an opinion and shares it, and thankfully I'm married to a guy who cares and wants to hear my opinion and who wants to make decisions together.  It will always be important to me to be just as educated on our finances as he is.  It will always be important to me to be just as involved in the negotiation of a new car price as he is.  And the list goes on.

So - looking back at the definitions I shared above...it's not just that I've assumed the role of female partner in marriage; I've been assigned the role of female partner in marriage.  And if I believe the Bible to be God's word - I've got this whole role clarity thing pretty clearly mapped out for me.  What's required of me is my willingness to operate differently.  So...back to my list of questions I like to ask my clients.  If I spend some time asking myself those questions as it pertains to marriage - the answers are actually really clear.  And while I've got work to do in this area (let's be honest...who doesn't have work to do in some area of life?!  OK fine, if you don't...you can come over and clean my house) - I'm amazed at the faithful blessings that are there every time I take strides toward becoming more godly in my role as Wife.

On the Hook for What?

Yesterday was the Twins home opener. For the last several years we've had a tradition of going to the game and yesterday was no different, it was also Abby's first year to come along. Fun (and freezing) family time. As we were leaving the stadium we passed several people holding up signs asking for help - 'VET', 'HOMELESS', 'OUT OF WORK', etc. Having worked downtown Minneapolis for eight years, this is not anything out of the ordinary for what I see every day. We happened to pass a young woman who looked incredibly sad and was holding a sign that said 'Husband died...' (it said more than that, but in my effort not to stare I missed the rest of it) and she was holding a bucket. We had just about passed her and Aaron burst out 'I want to give her something' and before I could turn around he was back by her placing some money into her bucket.

I'm a cynical Minnesotan. I've seen the 20/20 episodes featuring people like this young woman who after standing outside an event like that, proceed to walk a few blocks away and get in their Cadillac SUV and drive home to their beautiful home - and use this method of "making money" to fund their lifestyle at the expense of others' naive kindness. I've heard every story about men and women who use a 'sob-story' sign to tug at the heart strings of others, get their $ and then go buy more drugs and alcohol. I've heard it all. But for some reason, yesterday was different and I haven't been able to stop thinking about that 30 second experience.

Anyone who works with or for me knows that ACCOUNTABILITY is my non-negotiable for myself and for others. It's your ticket in the door. Be sure of what you are on the hook for, help others understand what they are on the hook for and deliver excellent results against those expectations. This is much easier to bring clarity to in the business world - but when it comes to the heart, and trying to hear God's voice - what I'm 'on the hook for' suddenly is blurry. Or isn't it?

I think that's what I've been going over and over again in my head regarding yesterday's interaction with that young woman. What am I on the hook for? Am I on the hook for teaching her a lesson by walking by and not even making eye contact? Am I on the hook for making eye contact and smiling, but not giving anything? Am I on the hook for putting a tract in her bucket when what she's asking for is money?

Am I on the hook for the content of my heart?

It's entirely possible that this young woman isn't even married, and will use the money she received yesterday to go out and party this week-end. But isn't it also entirely possible that she is a broken-hearted young woman who, out of pure desperation, is seeking the potential kindness of strangers to feed her two young children. If I attempt to answer this question in the Word I come upon phrases like: 'Do not judge, or you too will be judged' Matt 7:1 and 'whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me' Matt 25:39, and the list is endless. The interesting thing as I continue to dig - I don't find a checklist - if said brother or sister meets X, Y and Z criteria so that you know their need is legit - then do something. It sort of seems like Jesus is saying - "when you see a need, meet it. Let me do the rest." The bible is also super clear on judgement and all sorts of other things around holding not only us accountable for what we do when needs are presented, but for those who receive - what they do as well.

I'm not suggesting we all give every single time you see someone with a sign, I'm not even saying I'm going to strive to do that or that it's even the RIGHT thing to do. In fact, I think for me - the 'on the hook' part I'm going to take home from this thought process of mine is much more about the needs of those around me, which are often not even related to money. What I am saying is that I think some time spent thinking about what I'm personally 'on the hook for', as it pertains to the content of my heart, is time well spent. And, as far as yesterday goes...well, I'm thankful for a husband who did something. I don't know if it was some huge "GOD SPOKE TO ME" moment for him, or if it was simply seeing her eyes and in seeing her need, thinking about his own wife being alone and afraid and so as a husband, he acted. Regardless of the reason - his action spurred me to have a moment of self-examination...and I find those moments, while often wildly uncomfortable and uncertain, really good.

Less Two...More One.

Today is our 6th wedding anniversary. The week before our anniversary I always get a little bit reflective on the flurry of events and emotion that surrounded our wedding and the journey we've been on since January 20th, 2006. This past week has been no different in that regard.

This past week-end I was going through every bedroom pulling together all of our laundry for the Sunday laundry marathon. I walked into our closet and dumped out our laundry bin, stood there for a moment smiling...and went back to doing laundry. I love doing laundry, always have. I'm weird like that. One of the things I thought was fun about getting married was that I'd get to do someone else's laundry too (someone should have told me about boys and their never-ending amounts of dirty socks and undershirts - sheesh!). When we were first married we each had our own laundry bin on our respective sides of the closet. It wasn't a conscious decision we made, just sort of happened as I moved into the town house he had already been living in pre-wedding. I have no idea at what point we went from 2 laundry bins down to 1 collective shared laundry bin. But I got to thinking as I stood there smiling at our 1 SHARED bin this week...what else in our lives has gone from separate to shared. Individual to collective. 'ME' to 'US.'

After 6 years of marriage there are many things like the laundry bins that started out as 'yours' and 'mine' that are now 'ours' and I'm proud of those things, but I think my challenge for this 7th year of doing life together will be to look for the places I've been unwilling to truly MERGE from 2 to 1 and be more intentional about changing that. This is a hard thing for an independent, oldest child, type A, CONTROL FREAK like myself because most of these places are more matters of the heart than tangible objects in our closet. Thankfully I'm married to a patient, loves-me-even-though-I'm-said-control-freak (or perhaps it's in spite of that?), not terrible to look at [wink] husband. Bring it on 2012 - the year of ONE-NESS!

Happy Anniversary to my favorite boy!

"So they are no longer two, but one flesh." -- Mark 10:8

...for the days of doubt

I was recently talking with a co-worker who also welcomed their second child this summer and he mentioned that statistically marital satisfaction is lowest after the birth of the 2nd child. We both laughed - agreeing that we felt this was true, and what we were each doing to try and combat that.

I've blogged on this topic before - but it's been a challenging summer for many reasons, and especially as I've gone back to work and been sucked right back into the dog-eat-dog-world of corporate America, I've felt at odds with most of what's going on at home, specifically my marriage. It is not entirely uncommon for Aaron and I to be "ships passing in the night" with schedules that are most often polar opposite, however we've always managed to make date nights a priority and carve out a few nights at home together during the week where work is off limits and we can just sit and watch TV together. The key being - both present. With adding another kid to the mix, my current project load at work, his schedule and the extra-curricular "stuff" we've both got going - prioritized time together has all but gone the way of the dinosaur. Not intentionally, and we talk often about the need to be better about it...but life goes on, just happening around us and before we know it, it's been 3 months since we've had a date!

Broken relationships are the norm for me - in looking across all sides of my family, there is only about one couple who got married many years ago and is still married. It's just what I know. And as I've continued to (what I'd describe as) spiral to a place of being less satisfied with life- there is no shortage of times I've blurted out statements such as 'I give up', 'I can't do it anymore', 'I don't know why we ever thought our lives could join together - it's impossible.' This isn't at all my eluding to wanting to separate from my husband - they are more just statements of pure defeat, my feeling like the task at hand (prioritizing my marriage and my family) is impossible!

My sister-in-law got married this past summer (side note - she was without a doubt, the most beautiful bride I've ever seen!) and one of the songs they had in their ceremony was Dave Barnes' 'God Gave Me You'...well, it happened to come across my playlist on my way into work this morning and I was struck by a portion of the chorus lyrics:

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I've lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you

For anyone who knows us, it's no secret...my husband and I are good with our words. Like every married couple - we know what really gets under each other's skin. We are both oldest children, alpha-dogs, stubborn, strong-willed and do not back down easily. I love this about us, but it can prove to be challenging at times when we are odds (oh wait, I mean - nice Christian couples never argue - and being the good submissive wife I am - I only ever say 'yes, dear!'). However, I've noticed as I've struggled since Megan's birth to regain my "bearings" and had moments of admitting above statements of defeat - that's usually when I'll get a text from him saying 'I love you and I'm committed to our relationship' and other similar messages. It doesn't solve anything, but it reminds me and grounds me... I am tethered to something, to someone - and he is confident in our ability to work through challenge, even when I am not.

So, this morning when I heard that song - specifically the phrase "for the days of doubt" I was overcome with gratitude and awe. Awe of the way God's design truly DOES play out in my life, even when I'm not helping it along (weird, God doesn't need my help?). And, gratitude for a husband, who could slam the door in my face when, for the millionth time this month, I throw my arms in the air and say 'I can't!' - but instead sees through to the heart of the other stressors at hand and responds lovingly.

My boy, he mostly rocks. I love him.

No Wonder?

I haven't blogged in quite some time. I could blame this on several things...you know - things like pregnancy, having another baby, being up to my eyeballs in newborn crazy, etc. The truth is - I've had several 'blog topics' fly in and out of my brain, but have not been disciplined enough to pause and write...until this morning. I got up at 5:00am (which is normal for me when I'm working, but not quite so normal on maternity leave - especially when I was just up at 2:30 feeding a baby!) to meet a friend for a run, which felt fantastic - both seeing the friend and getting out to pound the pavement...but the BONUS was coming home to a quiet house and taking my cup of coffee, Bible and journal out to the front porch for some me time. In all honesty - it's been ages since I've even picked up my Bible. You see - my Bible camps out on my night stand, and these past 7 weeks by the time I crawl into my bed (next to said night stand) I have no energy for reading and just want to sleep. What does this confession have to do with anything? I walk out to the porch excited for my 'me' time, but since I haven't been in the Word for a while - I just randomly thumb through some of my favorite passages hoping SOMETHING will speak to my tired heart.

'My heart is confident in you, O God; no wonder I can sing your praises!' - Psalm 108:1

Oh what a lovely verse. Just one of those that makes you smile and think lovely, warm and fuzzy Christian-y thoughts, right? So I'm smiling reading this verse, sipping my coffee, waving at the neighbor driving to work - thinking how lovely it is to be on the porch not having to go to work - reading my warm and fuzzy verse. Just for kicks - I go on and read the rest of the Psalm. Well - wouldn't you know - David goes on to cry out to God and for favor and to claim His promises when God's people need rescue. David is begging God not to reject them and is desperate for God's help in achieving victory over their enemies. So when David began this particular Psalm with this lovely verse - it wasn't as he was drinking his morning coffee and waving to the neighbors. Shoot. This is the part where my brain starts going - and for me, these are the moments when the Holy Spirit whispers to my heart.

Is it not easy to shout 'MY HEART IS CONFIDENT IN YOU, O GOD' and delight in singing the praises of the Lord when life is good, when the sun is shining (I mean this both literally and figuratively - especially for us Minnesotans...we'll go with the figuratively as we don't see the literal sun much these days), when the blessings in our lives are so numerous - it's all we can see. But can I shout this with just as much conviction when I'm in darkness. When a situation seems hopeless. When I can't see Jesus. When I'm in an impossible situation, like David must have felt when he wrote this. Now, what baffles me even more is that it's not like David lists out his troubles and what he is asking God for and then finishes it up with a good old 'I delight in singing your praises' - kind of like the pretty bow on the package. HE STARTS OUT WITH THIS! It's the very first thing out of his mouth. I'm typically more of a - start with the request, end with thanksgiving - kind of pray-er. The Bible refers to David as a man after God's own heart - and I'm wondering if it's that intimate walk with the Lord that leads to David communicating with God in this way. Confident and sure of his God first and foremost, but still sharing his requests (come on - we're instructed to do this - Phil 4:6!!!).

I've been in a bit of a desert lately. I'm told it's normal - that whole post partum, emotional, sleep-deprived, going from one kid to two, etc and etc. That doesn't change the fact that my heart is tired and I feel emotionally bankrupt. Truth be told - I think my 'crazy' is just getting to me and it sometimes gets just plain old looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, even though I KNOW this season is just temporary. Anyway - I know it's different for everyone and that what I'm currently going through may seem so very piddly in comparison to what a real struggle or impossible situation looks like. However, for ME - the practical application of this verse in my life at this current season is to wear this verse like a banner over my whole life. Over every situation. Over every tear. My challenge is to be confident in my very big God - FIRST. Not after I panic about how I'm feeling or after I nurse my 'wounds' of feeling dry and empty. To be so confident in my Jesus that it's NO WONDER that the first thing out of my mouth is praise.

Stepping down off of temporary soapbox...time to shower.

...it is not easily angered...

I've been chewing on 'anger' a lot lately. I am totally an extremist - I go from 0-60 in my response, REALLY well! If I'm cold - I want the heat up to 75, the fireplace on, layers of warm clothes, a blanket and a hot drink IMMEDIATELY! If the result of all of that is that I wind up feeling warm - I want the AC to the max and an iced drink IMMEDIATELY. Expectations are another area where I often find myself in the midst of an extreme response. Aaron and I got married the end of January, 6 weeks later I went on a women's retreat with our church (which also happened to end on my birthday). On the drive home from the retreat I had visions of all the wonderful things my new husband was sure to be planning on my very 1st birthday as a married woman. I arrived home to find Aaron baking a yellow cake with chocolate frosting. My response was a meltdown. I sobbed over the fact that this man who I just signed up to spend forever with did not, in fact, know me at all. Yellow cake with chocolate frosting is HIS favorite, not mine. I hate chocolate frosting. Why is it a cake from a box? The list goes on. What I completely missed in my larger-than-life reaction is that...THIS man (who apparently was so worthless in that moment) was baking me a cake. The boy who doesn't cook and most certainly doesn't bake had put the effort into thinking about it being my birthday, driving to the store to pick out a cake and then making it to be ready when I got home. He's a good boy. I am a crazy wife-who IS easily angered.

I think I am a person with really good, genuine intentions. But when something doesn't happen just how I'd like it to, or just how I had planned for it to be...I am easily angered. I blame my short fuse on a lot of things...working full-time, being the mom of a toddler, having a husband with a bizarro schedule, etc - all valid things to make a person operate at a bit of a higher stress level...but certainly do not justify the response. A few times more recently Aaron has made a point to talk to me about the fact that I 'seem mad' often. [side note: I could write a separate blog about how much I LOVE (insert sarcasm) when my husband calls out things in me that are right on, and even better...CONVICTING! I really feel like I read somewhere that this whole 'iron sharpening iron' thing is supposed to be enjoyable?] I'm not sure of the exact reason, but I've been chewing on it and the phrase 'slow to anger' kept coming to mind. I finally figured that it must be a part of an old verse that I memorized back in AWANA days and aww thanks, Holy Spirit for bringing it to mind - yup, I should be slow to anger. I decided to search for the reference on 'bible gateway' this morning and what to my wondering eyes should appear? Not a single reference where this is a characteristic we as believers are encouraged to display, but 9 times just on the 1st page this is a characteristic that describes who GOD is. OH - it's a character trait of God's. Crap. I think I'm supposed to be striving towards being more like Him? I somehow end up at 1 Corinthians 13 and see this component of the 'LOVE' verses...[Paul says - in defining LOVE] '...it is not easily angered.' Crap. I am easily angered and 100% of the time it's toward those I...wait for it...LOVE.

Here's the part where I get really transparent as I attempt to put my conviction into practice - so no judgement allowed. Well, actually - judge all you want, just keep it to yourself. ;)

We are hosting Christmas Day at our house this year. I was thrilled that it worked out - it's our 1st Christmas in this house, we finally have a house with a great space for hosting, etc. We all landed on having appetizers as our 'meal' and that everyone would bring something to the handful of things I would be making. I send a note to confirm menu and to ask each person what they are going to bring. Some of the responses I get back are not a firm answer - just that 'something' or 'a surprise' will be brought. 0-60...are you KIDDING me? How can I plan for my very fabulous Christmas afternoon if I don't know every single thing coming to my house, I had in my head an idea of what my table will look like and now it's RUINED because I don't have all of the information. My tendency is to respond back with a request to know every last detail of every dish in advance. I've opted not to. Isn't the purpose of hosting a holiday meal, like Christmas, just to open up our home to our family that we love? And really - what's it to me if we have double of something, or something that isn't my personal favorite, or lots of leftovers. WHO CARES!

And so, maybe that's the ticket...I simply need to take the 'who cares' approach more often.

Log Jam - No Thank You!

I'm working from home this afternoon as Abby's daycare is closed today. I'm sitting on the couch in our office letting the sunlight stream in - it's glorious! Abby just woke up from a lovely 2-hour nap, which allowed me to crank through some WORK and now she's sitting on the floor in here with me playing with toys. Her toy of choice at this present moment is one of those contraptions where there's 4 openings across the top of a rectangular block structure. You use a hammer to knock each of the balls into said structure and they go through a variety of cool maze looking things before coming out the opening at end (very Mouse Trap-esque).

I happened to be working on a different blog when my little girl's frustrated squeaks interrupted my thought. "OOOOOOOO I can't do it....I CAN'T DO IT MOMMY!" I look over and sure enough she's got every ball jammed in this thing and now you can't get anything in or out. Log jam. The purpose of the toy is to have all of the balls put through it, however not all at once. The balls aren't bad...just not meant to be all in there at the same time. In fact, when they're all in there at the same time the toy now becomes obsolete...unable to fulfill it's purpose. It's the kind of thing where - if no one takes the time to unclog the log jam this toy will either end up on the shelf, in a box or just plain in the trash because it's useless. [cue soft piano music...I'm having a bit of a moment here]

I laugh and say "ok...settle down, just bring it to Mommy. I'll fix it."

Enter teachable moment. This toy in it's current condition and my life in many seasons are not all that different. I'm good at filling my life up with all sorts of great things, but often they're things that aren't necessarily 'God-things' (to use a phrase coined in one of my favorite small groups - Life on Purpose). And if I find myself with a log jam of said things - I can no longer fulfill my purpose. The things God has for me - I no longer have room for. I don't want to become obsolete, I don't want to miss the things that I'm supposed to do and/or be a part of. And yet when I completely come unglued, when a log jam appears - I am not a lost cause. I get that same gentle "ok...settle down, just bring it to me and I'll fix it." Can't you just see it now...I'm getting all emotional having this revelation of my own life and all the while the poor two-year-old is still freaking out because I have yet to fix her beloved toy. I take care of the jam - all is right in the world again, and I'm listening to her send each ball on it's journey with a mighty SMACK of the hammer.

So now that I've had a good reminder of something I'm already accutely aware of - how do I take it to the next step beyond awareness to mastery or maturity to hopefully have less of the 'fix-it-freak-outs.'

Once I figure out the answer...I'll be sure to share.

What Good is Perspective Anyway?

I decided I'm tired of getting perspective. How's that for an offensive statement. As I sit down to write this blog I realize that my last blog was pretty much about this very same thing...hmm...perhaps this appearance of a theme is, in fact, something with a bigger purpose than fleeting thoughts and feeling helpless and frustrated.

This past Friday I was part of 'Beauty Night' at our church - an incredible event, unlike anything we've ever done before that was about reaching out to our fellow girls in need - in different situations, different walks of life and all throughout this community. And not just doing a church-y outreach, but truly being WITH them. {This was my beautiful friend Kristie's brain child - she's incredible!} One of the elements of this night was childcare so that the mamas could enjoy some kid-less time. I ended up spending a bit of time helping with kiddo check-in and walking moms back and forth to drop-off their kids. One of the first little ones I came in contact with was a little guy perhaps 3 or 4 who was wearing Winnie the Pooh slippers instead of shoes. And they were worn - like he wore them outside often. Now, I have no context - perhaps he had many pairs of shoes at home and was going through a normal kid phase of just LOVING those slippers and never wanting to take them off. But regardless - I just stood there paralyzed. Earlier that day I had stopped by the downtown Baby Gap store - happened to see a sign saying 'additional 40% of all sale items' and one of the things I had picked up for Abby was a new pair of sandals. So kids shoes were on the brain a bit. Looking back now I should have jumped in my car, ran to Target and picked up some new tennis shoes & socks for this sweet boy, it would have taken all of 15 minutes. But instead I stood there - soaked in some good old perspective, but did nothing.

A girlfriend just forwarded me a website where there are sweet little girls in Ukranian countries just waiting to be adopted but all with mild to severe medical/developmental conditions and concerns. It is heartbreaking just to look at the website. I clicked on the link - read through almost every little girl's profile - took in a healthy dose of perspective, but have done nothing other than to offer a quick prayer as I saw each face.

I continue to not know what to do with my little doses here and there of perspective. Perhaps Aaron and I need to be praying about adoption, perhaps the answer is to contribute financially to this - and other - causes. Perhaps this is God softening my heart and preparing me for something entirely different? I have no clue.

I stumbled upon these verses last month and was reminded of the passage again today...

Proverbs 24:11-12 ~ Rescue those who are unjustly sentenced to die; save them as they stagger to their death. Don’t excuse yourself by saying, “Look, we didn’t know.” For God understands all hearts, and he sees you. He who guards your soul knows you knew.~

Here I sit...in my beautiful house, with my perfect daughter sleeping in the next room - who has never once felt unloved, afraid (of anything other than Daddy's monster sounds), unwanted or hungry.

I have a friend who signs his emails 'Be the change you want to see in the world.' I think for now...I'll chew on that, because I just don't think continuing to do nothing is an option.

When Do Matters of the Heart Become the Heart of the Matter?

We moved into a new house this past January, and one of our favorite things about our new house is the fact that it has an irrigation system. Being novices at using said system the lovely 'A to Z Landscaping' guy came out, got us all set up, showed Aaron how to use the system - put us on an every other day rotation, etc and we're set (well...at least until we get our first bill and need to alter the frequency :) ). On the days we water - the rotation starts at 5am and so when I pull out the driveway about 6:30am the last zone is finishing up on the left side of the yard...so on that first as I'm backing out I notice that we are full on WATERING THE DRIVEWAY! I'm totally torked all the way into work. I call Aaron to inform him that I am NOT going to pay for asphalt watering, to which he responds with some uber rational "ok - I'll go out and take a look at it..." and great, taken care of. However, as I went about my day it just was really bothering me and I could not get one thought out of my head. It's no secret that in many parts of the world we are in a MAJOR water crisis. Babies die every day, every hour - every mintute (I'm guessing?) because of a lack of drink-able water. And here I am with my LOADS of good water WATERING THE DRIVEWAY?! In all honesty - I don't know what to do with that. I think there's value to my thought process, but what am I going to do...have my irrigation system dug up to ensure that no children go without a suitable water supply. Of this be sure, oh cyberspace, if that was all it took - it'd have been done already.

Anyone who knows me knows I love to shop. :) I just do. Unashamedly (is that a word?) - I love to shop, I love clothes, I love shoes, I love to grocery shop - I love to furniture shop, I love to shop for others, I love to shop for my family, I love to shop for me. I'm not materialistic. It isn't what motivates me. It isn't the purpose in my life - it's just something I enjoy. I have a husband who's great with money - he ensures we save, don't have debt, tithe and are generous and doesn't tolerate any irresponsibility on my end with spending so I'm forced to shop within reason (read - SUPER THANKFUL FOR THAT even though I fight it with a vengence!). However, lately as I'm out my thought process goes something like this... [I'm at Target : cute ballet flats $12.99 - totally going to get these - can wear these for family pics with Dietrich next week, which reminds me need to stop at the mall on the way home to pick up my shirt at the Limited and Aaron's shirt at the Buckle - but then we should be good because Abby already has her outfit from her birthday party. Hmm...it's weird that here I am planning our outfits for our professional pictures that we have done every 6 months, ON TOP of everything else we do in our lives when there are people who literally don't know how they're going to buy food...and/or are homeless and/or don't have jobs and/or can't afford to buy their kids clothes AT ALL - let alone the fancy tutu for pictures.] AH. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO RECONCILE THAT. Should I not shop? Should I make more trips to the Good Will - or is there somewhere else I should go? I literally already go there once a quarter AT LEAST.

I truly don't believe God is convicting me to stop watering my lawn, or even to refuse to purchase anything. I don't think I'm being convicted about the $29.50 shirt at the Limited...but what I do see is a gently prodding in my spirit asking this question. What will it take to turn matters of the heart (the things that could be a fleeting thought or just something I hold internally going...'huh - what to do with that?') into THE HEART OF THE MATTER.

My stuff isn't the problem...it's how I look at the stuff, how I feel without the stuff, and my willingness to GIVE my stuff.

I feel like lately my blogs are answer-less...and I think for this season of my life, maybe that's ok. I'd prefer to blog some grandiose life lesson that concludes with a teachable moment I can then share with others vs being completely vulnerable about my own process, however - for this moment in time. So be it. :)

Oh, North Central...

Aaron and I did not attend the same college. He went to North Central Bible College (now North Central University) and I went to Bethel College (now Bethel University)...[an aside - think it's sort of funny when schools get fancier names]. Now, looking back I'm quite sure one of the things that saved us was the fact that we were at different schools with different groups of friends, however there was a time when I was seriously contemplating transferring to be closer to him [read: to ensure he was staying away from all the cute girls in the music department].

Throughout our college years I got the change to hang out at NCU a ton. I got to know a ton of Aaron's friends and teachers - and even started bringing my Bethel friends to Wednesday night Praise Gathering even when Aaron was on the road, which became my own thing. For me...there was something about North Central's chapel and the songs that were written and sung out of that place. We sang songs by graduates who I had never met (or had yet to meet), songs by my husband (I'll give anyone a prize who can name the song of Aaron's still sung there), and songs by non-NCU people...but there was just something about the annointed worship within that chapel. Or was it something else. I'm not doubting the fact that God's presence is absolutely there and He moves in great ways through the students and worship there. However, my life at that point - my struggle, my brokenness, my confusion and my utter dependence on God. My loneliness, which drove me into a place of constant conversation with Him...a place of oneness with my Father that hadn't been experienced before or since then. I journaled (writing letters) daily, I sought every opportunity to be in His presence - especially worship settings - that I could and was just SO hungry. I experienced a lot of hurt and joy in those few years, and yet my memories in that chapel are such sweet ones. I feel like sharing this memory should lead somewhere...and there should be some profound 'conclusion' or 'teachable moment' to end this blog, but there isn't. Maybe that makes me shotty writer, maybe that just makes me a real human...but I love that I have a season like that in my life to look back on and know what truly walking with the Lord looked like at that time. I know we are called to always be broken, to always walk with God, yada-yada...however, there's something about being shaken to the core (in this particular instance it was because of a boy...who shall remain nameless :) ) and trying to recover, or even just figure out how to wade through whatever the circumstance that makes that certain season of one's walk with God just a little sweeter. Similarly - my first months as a new mom were that way as well.

Anyway...ALL of the above hit me like a freight train this past Monday night standing in North Central's chapel for Dave Pedde's 'farewell' concert singing...

'we enthrone you with our praises, we enthrone you in our lives, we enthrone you king of the ages, we enthrone you - you are Christ.' [probably my all time favorite Dave Pedde song!]

For the memories and the change over the past 10 years - I am grateful!

Easter...and my Dad.

If you grew up in the church listening to Christian music in the 80's - you were more than likely a fan of Sandi Patty, or in my case...a kid who's parents loved Ms. Patty, but you did not care for her less than "pop" style of music. However, I will always have a soft spot in my heart for Sandi because of a sweet tradition between my Dad and I that began as a result of one of her songs...

In 1986 Sandi Patty's 'Morning Like This' album was released. The title track 'Morning Like This' is an Easter song - very cheesy sounding instrumentals (which anyone who knows me knows I have a great love for all things cheesy AND nostalgic), but very cool lyrics!

"Was it a morning like this? When Mary walked down from Jerusalem? And two angels stood at the tomb, Bearers of news she would hear soon. Did the grass sing? Did the earth rejoice To feel you again? Over and over like a Trumpet underground, Did the earth seem to pound: “He is risen” over and over in a never ending round “He is risen, alleluia, alleluia!”

[this is just a snippet...]

Not sure how or when it started, but as far back as I can remember on Easter morning my Dad would come in very early and wake me up saying "Jessica...can you hear it? Do you hear it?" As a little girl excited to be up early w/ Dad I'd jump out of bed going "WHAT...HEAR WHAT? I DON'T HEAR ANYTHING!" And he'd say something to the effect of...lyrics above. Grass singing. Earth rejoicing...like a trumpet underground, etc. Fast forward to the teenage years when he'd come in and ask me that and 1) I'd be a typical annoyed teen who didn't want to be woken up for anything & 2) I'd groan and roll my eyes because I knew exactly what he meant. "Yeah OK, Dad...yup, I hear the grass." This is not an earth shattering or inspiring story - I am sure. But the reason I even bother to blog about it - is this. My Dad still does it today. Only now it's via text and I absolutely love it. Like clock work - every Easter, around 5am or so...my phone will buzz. I still have last year's saved on my phone "Can you hear it? The earth seems to shout HE is risen. I love you. Dad."

I love my Dad, and though our relationship has seen peaks and valleys...I'm amazed at the sense of bellonging and security I feel when he does things like this. [hmm...even typing that phrase spins up another blog entry.] But it's not just about my Dad...

I pulled up the lyrics to that song today again. I keep reading and re-reading.

I'm embarassed to admit that the season leading up to Easter is more often than not consumed with thoughts on what we'll all wear to church rather than taking time to reflect on the events that ACTUALLY happened, which necessitate the reason for reflection/celebration. Think I'll intentionally continue chewing on that over the next couple of days.

Happy Easter!

My Heart Overflows!

"...for out of the OVERFLOW of the HEART, the mouth speaks..." Matthew 12:34b

I have always loved this verse - although the 1st half isn't one I'd chose to readily identify myself with (brood of vipers? Yikes.). As a little girl my mom was really protective of what we watched and listened to and could be heard frequently teaching the "garbage in - garbage out" lesson. I don't remember at what particular juncture in life this verse jumped out at me, but nevertheless - for me, it's one of those that pops into my head at the most INOPERTUNE times. [read: times when I need it to for a heart check]

In August of 2007 I became a mom (actually in July of 2007 I became a mom, I just didn't know it until August 22nd :)]. The way in which I began to think about and look at things changed almost instantly. On April 23, 2008 I met my daughter. It wrecked me - in the most beautiful way. For every mom - you know this moment. The moment you see your child's face for the first time - it wrecks you, and nothing in your life is ever the same. You're a mom. You look at the world through a different lens, your decision making process takes on a different tone, and the list goes on. Every journey is different, but for me - God chose to use this event in my life as a way to speak to my heart - the very core of who I am, the way I process information and understand life around me. I should have started a blog at that time - but didn't, for a million reasons. My daughter turns 2 next month and it's time. If for no one else other than me - to have a chance to let my mouth speak (or fingers strike the keyboard?) from the overflow of my heart.

I am a girl (pink loving, ruffle digging, emotionally charged!). I am a wife (blogs forthcoming about the boy with whom I share my life!). I am a mom. I work full-time. I'm passionate and I'm imperfect. I'm rough around the edges. And I've not yet figured everything out.

It's.Just.Me.