The First Decade

On this, the even of our 10th wedding anniversary, I have spent a decent amount of time thinking about the words I would use if I was re-writing my vows to my boy now, 10 years in. And let's be real... Home girl has a job, and 56 children and it's a frozen tundra out there - so who really has the time to stop by Hallmark, I'm thinking a good blog should suffice, right?

Dear, Sweet Husband:

• I promise to help watch for things like a stray nose hair, grey hair, ear hair and a neck that needs shaving, and in turn, you will not say a word about my post 3 babies, aging body. You're welcome.
• I promise to make a valiant effort to clean up my clothes off the bedroom floor at least once a week because I know you prefer things clean, even though I'd be fine to leave them there for a month.
• I promise to be down with your skinny jeans, and having 1700 of the exact same stocking cap, but I cannot remain silent when it comes to tunics. Just can't. Sorry.
• I promise to groan loudly showing great exasperation any time you mention not feeling well and comment on the annoyance that is men who are sick, while secretly making a mental list of your favorite sick remedies because deep down I want to take care of you.
• I promise to never stop marveling at your good looks, seriously. That beard, tho. You're a fox.
• I promise to never stop telling our babies how lucky they are that you're their Daddy. You are an incredible parent. You never seem to run out of energy for your babies. You delight in them and they are secure in that.
• I promise to always be excited for time with you, and to always wear make-up and shave my legs when we have date night.
• I promise to tolerate your snoring, because sleeping without you is terribly lonely.  And we'll continue pretending you're the only one who snores.
• I promise to cheer you on better in this 2nd decade than I started with in the 1st (um, can we strike year 1 from the record?)
• I promise to never stop praying for you.

Thank you for loving me well. Thank you for knowing me better than I ever give you credit for. Thank you for being unimpressed with my attitude. Thank you for being faithful and constant when I am all over the place. Thank you for working so hard. Thank you for encouraging me. Thank you for being proud of me. Thank you for creating space for me to do things I love. Thank you for being sure about us when I haven't been.  Thank you for never discouraging my pursuit of leadership and my career.  Thank you for never being threatened by my fierce independence.  I am more confidant and more comfortable when you're around. Nothing prepared me for the privilege of being yours. Even on our worst day, I am so honored to be your wife. Happy Anniversary, my love!

Because I Asked Him To...

One of the many (and I mean...MANY) things I've learned as we've transitioned from 2 children to 3 is that a frequent part of everyday conversation centers around this: carseat configuration.

We probably talk about it more than most because we refuse to purchase a minivan. [We certainly don't have anything against minivans or their drivers, we simply hope that by refusing to buy one we can maintain the facade that we are a cool and young hip couple driving an awesome SUV, meanwhile 56 children and their respective belongings are squished in the backseat.] Each of our SUVs has a carseat for all 3 of the kids, and Megan's carseat in particular happens to be a different brand/model in each car. She hates one and loves the other. Since she rides in my truck most often, the one she loves is in my car. Somehow through the course of normal management of life logistics, the one she hates ended up in my car. Every day when I'd pick her up from daycare she would lament over her frustration with this carseat and couldn't she PLEASE have the one she liked back from Daddy's car. This went on for weeks, but never quite made it to the top of my priority list to actually swap carseats. One day as I was getting her in the car post daycare pick-up I noticed the brown carseat (her favorite one) was back in my car. She was smiling ear to ear. I asked her how she got her beloved brown carseat back and her response was clear and confident 'because I asked him to.' Her response...that phrase...it nearly knocked me over.

BECAUSE I ASKED HIM TO.

She had complete and total confidence in her daddy's desire to do what she asked him. Her answer to me almost had a tone of 'duh...of course he did what I asked him to?' This was several weeks ago, and I haven't stopped thinking about it since.

When it comes to dads. I married up. No other way to put it. When I'm tired and frazzled and just simply not in the mood, I have to work really hard not to act annoyed or be snippy with our kids. Not my husband. He's the kind of dad who is sweaty and filthy working in the yard and as soon as he sees his daughters run out to see what he's up to they are greeted with an enthusiastic 'Hey Baby!' I've often marveled at this, and hoped my children would grow up knowing how lucky they are to have a Daddy who doesn't just tolerate their existence, or responsibly parent them, but who truly DELIGHTS in them. No matter how tired he is, he makes time for stories, for teaching piano, for silliness, for horsey rides, and all sorts of shenanigans. He loves them and they are sure of his love and confident in his desire to care for them.

It's Father's Day tomorrow...

To my baby daddy, I am eternally grateful for the way you love our babies. And I am profoundly thankful that in the way you love our babies, you are also painting a picture that reminds me in so many ways of the love God has for His children, more specifically - me.

Back to the carseat. That particular day, hearing my Megan give her emphatic answer of 'because I asked him to' was a total Holy Spirit nudge moment. What, in my life, should I be referencing the same way. What could it look like if I pursued a relationship with my Heavenly Father in the same way my daughters treasure every moment with their dad. What if I prayed with the same level of confidence and expectancy that my daughter felt when she asked something of her dad; sure of his love for her and his desire to give her good things.

~If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! Matthew 7:11~

A Jet Ski & Shopping Trip [and a lesson in trust]

We had the chance to get away for a week of vacation in northern Minnesota a couple of weeks ago.  We spent the entire week enjoying the beach...swimming, boating, jet ski-ing, bonfires, s'mores, etc.  It was fantastic!  One of the things we got to do was take both girls for jet ski rides for the very first time.  Each time I'd take one of the girls out with me - I found myself hyperaware of everything around me.  As we'd go out into the water I was scanning for all other watercraft, other swimmers, what direction did I think the far away boat was going to go, etc.  Initially Abby told me 'NO WAVES' because she was scared of going over the bumpy parts, but I knew she'd love it if she experienced it.  I knew she couldn't handle massive waves that surprised us, I had to go looking for (or create) little ones.  I watched her and watched the water like a hawk.  When we cruised over the smaller waves, and then bigger and bigger ones - she would laugh and laugh out of pure joy.  It was a blast.  Nothing was coming at us that would surprise me - even if it'd surprise her...I knew what she could and couldn't handle and I was not about to put her in harms way.  One night laying in bed at the cabin I was thinking about this phenomenon of being a parent and specifically the way it changed how I operated on a jet ski [an aside...how on earth does a person spell JET SKI?  I've now googled, spell checked and dictionary.com searched and come up with many things.  Sheesh!] with my daughter in front of me - completely enveloped by my arms.  Nothing was going to happen to her that wasn't encased in my protection.  I had a fleeting thought...'God - is this how you feel about us?'  'Is this a physical/visual picture of why it's safe to completely place all my trust, hopes, fears, dreams...my kids (!!!) in your care?'

We got back from vacation and resumed normal activity, but these thoughts still stayed in a corner of my mind.  We went shopping this past week-end and I was on Megan duty walking from the car to the store.  She of course wanted to walk and not be held.  Again - mama senses at high alert.  I gave her the tiniest bit of space to walk like a big girl, but what she didn't know is that I was watching all around her - watching for cars, watching for the curb coming up she could potentially trip on, etc.  In that moment...same thought.  'God - is this how you feel about us?'

I've often told people - I had no concept of what the love of God as Heavenly Father looked like until I had my first baby and then...WHAM.  And often - for me personally - the ways God will speak to my spirit involve something I'm feeling/doing in relation to my children and he'll flip the visual around to convict me, give me a word, encourage me, etc.  So as I chewed on this...I did a quick google search.  Does the Bible even really speak to this parental side of God that I've sort of assigned him in this romanticized picture in my mind?

Sure does.

"I myself said, 'How gladly would I treat you like my children and give you a pleasant land, the most beautiful inheritance of any nation.'  I thought you would call me 'Father' and not turn away from following me." -- Jeremiah 3:19

"Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him." -- Matthew 6:8

"The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship.  And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father.' " -- Romans 8:15

On my drive into work this morning I was thinking about this and plotting out this blog post and really wishing I could end with a sentence saying something like "and so therefore - done, sold - I trust God fully and without question."  But for me - the reality is that in my mind, that's true.  When it comes to theology, belief system, what I know is true...I get it.  I know that that I can place all my trust in Him.  He's watching for the waves - he knows what I can handle, even when I (in my infinite wisdom...) have said 'no thank you.'  And yet from a heart perspective...it's harder.  It's something that is being worked out in my faith - day in and day out. 

Perhaps I'm just posing this question again to myself...but should anyone else stumble across this post, I feel compelled to ask.  Is there something you're struggling to trust God with...to trust God for?  In all transparency...for me right now, it's my oldest daughter who will go to kindergarten next week.  And I'm completely overwhelmed that the God of the universe - the same God who is over all that is happening around the world right now - knows the inner most parts of my heart and for this season of life...He gave my mama heart a picture that I could connect with.

Role Clarity

I've been thinking a lot lately about role clarity.  It's something I've had the chance to spend a great deal of time working on over the years as I've built a career in HR.  One of my very favorite parts of my job is organizational design work - to sit with a group of leaders and ask questions like...

In simple terms -what is the goal?

What is currently enabling the goal to be met and what is standing in the way?

What is the necessary output of this team?

Remove all names, ego, pride, history, seniority, and anything else personal and just look at the work - are you clear on the desired outcome?

At the end of the day - what does success look like?

And to then spend time with them building out a team structure to most efficiently and most excellently deliver the end result.  

But that's work.

This is about life.

Because I spend so much time in my professional life thinking about ROLES I am acutely aware of the different roles I play in my life.  Wife.  Mom.  Daughter.  Friend.  Etc.

The role of wife is probably the one I spend the most time thinking about.  Webster defines ROLE as 'a character assigned or assumed.'  WIFE is defined as 'a female partner in a marriage.'  And we know that the Bible pretty clearly articulates the role of the wife - characteristics of a wife and the interaction model between husbands and wives...and wait for it...ROLE CLARITY between husbands and wives. I hate the word submission.  Period.  I just do.  I'm an independent gal, I have strong opinions, I'm a leader, I enjoy being an equal partner, I enjoy having a point of view, knowing where our finances are, having a say in decision making, etc.  And yet there's something in me that is hard-wired to be directed, to be led, to be cared for, to be protected, to come under a covering...to submit.  Dang it.  

Every day that passes I am more and more certain that my husband was designed by God specifically for me (I mean, obviously I believe that he was, but I truly SEE it more and more all the time).  He is patient and steadfast, confident and gentle and is completely unimpressed with the walls I put up and the hard exterior I 'sport' from time to time.  We operate in a partnership in every sense of the word - we both work, he does daycare drop-off - I do daycare pick-up, we both pay bills, we both clean the house, etc.  (He is not allowed to do laundry....there was one episode year 1 of marriage where a swimsuit met the dryer.  No more laundry for Aaron.)  We have the awesome privilege of having some pretty incredible marriages that surround us, and I have many a gal-pal who seem to have this whole role of wife nailed - who challenge me and set an amazing example.  And as we deepen our relationships with a subset of couples I am profoundly challenged to better align myself under the covering of my husband.  To follow his lead more often.  And to fiercely pray for him as he leads me and leads our family vs fiercely trying to state my peace and to tirelessly try to get him to do what I want.  I will always be a gal who has an opinion and shares it, and thankfully I'm married to a guy who cares and wants to hear my opinion and who wants to make decisions together.  It will always be important to me to be just as educated on our finances as he is.  It will always be important to me to be just as involved in the negotiation of a new car price as he is.  And the list goes on.

So - looking back at the definitions I shared above...it's not just that I've assumed the role of female partner in marriage; I've been assigned the role of female partner in marriage.  And if I believe the Bible to be God's word - I've got this whole role clarity thing pretty clearly mapped out for me.  What's required of me is my willingness to operate differently.  So...back to my list of questions I like to ask my clients.  If I spend some time asking myself those questions as it pertains to marriage - the answers are actually really clear.  And while I've got work to do in this area (let's be honest...who doesn't have work to do in some area of life?!  OK fine, if you don't...you can come over and clean my house) - I'm amazed at the faithful blessings that are there every time I take strides toward becoming more godly in my role as Wife.

On the Hook for What?

Yesterday was the Twins home opener. For the last several years we've had a tradition of going to the game and yesterday was no different, it was also Abby's first year to come along. Fun (and freezing) family time. As we were leaving the stadium we passed several people holding up signs asking for help - 'VET', 'HOMELESS', 'OUT OF WORK', etc. Having worked downtown Minneapolis for eight years, this is not anything out of the ordinary for what I see every day. We happened to pass a young woman who looked incredibly sad and was holding a sign that said 'Husband died...' (it said more than that, but in my effort not to stare I missed the rest of it) and she was holding a bucket. We had just about passed her and Aaron burst out 'I want to give her something' and before I could turn around he was back by her placing some money into her bucket.

I'm a cynical Minnesotan. I've seen the 20/20 episodes featuring people like this young woman who after standing outside an event like that, proceed to walk a few blocks away and get in their Cadillac SUV and drive home to their beautiful home - and use this method of "making money" to fund their lifestyle at the expense of others' naive kindness. I've heard every story about men and women who use a 'sob-story' sign to tug at the heart strings of others, get their $ and then go buy more drugs and alcohol. I've heard it all. But for some reason, yesterday was different and I haven't been able to stop thinking about that 30 second experience.

Anyone who works with or for me knows that ACCOUNTABILITY is my non-negotiable for myself and for others. It's your ticket in the door. Be sure of what you are on the hook for, help others understand what they are on the hook for and deliver excellent results against those expectations. This is much easier to bring clarity to in the business world - but when it comes to the heart, and trying to hear God's voice - what I'm 'on the hook for' suddenly is blurry. Or isn't it?

I think that's what I've been going over and over again in my head regarding yesterday's interaction with that young woman. What am I on the hook for? Am I on the hook for teaching her a lesson by walking by and not even making eye contact? Am I on the hook for making eye contact and smiling, but not giving anything? Am I on the hook for putting a tract in her bucket when what she's asking for is money?

Am I on the hook for the content of my heart?

It's entirely possible that this young woman isn't even married, and will use the money she received yesterday to go out and party this week-end. But isn't it also entirely possible that she is a broken-hearted young woman who, out of pure desperation, is seeking the potential kindness of strangers to feed her two young children. If I attempt to answer this question in the Word I come upon phrases like: 'Do not judge, or you too will be judged' Matt 7:1 and 'whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me' Matt 25:39, and the list is endless. The interesting thing as I continue to dig - I don't find a checklist - if said brother or sister meets X, Y and Z criteria so that you know their need is legit - then do something. It sort of seems like Jesus is saying - "when you see a need, meet it. Let me do the rest." The bible is also super clear on judgement and all sorts of other things around holding not only us accountable for what we do when needs are presented, but for those who receive - what they do as well.

I'm not suggesting we all give every single time you see someone with a sign, I'm not even saying I'm going to strive to do that or that it's even the RIGHT thing to do. In fact, I think for me - the 'on the hook' part I'm going to take home from this thought process of mine is much more about the needs of those around me, which are often not even related to money. What I am saying is that I think some time spent thinking about what I'm personally 'on the hook for', as it pertains to the content of my heart, is time well spent. And, as far as yesterday goes...well, I'm thankful for a husband who did something. I don't know if it was some huge "GOD SPOKE TO ME" moment for him, or if it was simply seeing her eyes and in seeing her need, thinking about his own wife being alone and afraid and so as a husband, he acted. Regardless of the reason - his action spurred me to have a moment of self-examination...and I find those moments, while often wildly uncomfortable and uncertain, really good.

Less Two...More One.

Today is our 6th wedding anniversary. The week before our anniversary I always get a little bit reflective on the flurry of events and emotion that surrounded our wedding and the journey we've been on since January 20th, 2006. This past week has been no different in that regard.

This past week-end I was going through every bedroom pulling together all of our laundry for the Sunday laundry marathon. I walked into our closet and dumped out our laundry bin, stood there for a moment smiling...and went back to doing laundry. I love doing laundry, always have. I'm weird like that. One of the things I thought was fun about getting married was that I'd get to do someone else's laundry too (someone should have told me about boys and their never-ending amounts of dirty socks and undershirts - sheesh!). When we were first married we each had our own laundry bin on our respective sides of the closet. It wasn't a conscious decision we made, just sort of happened as I moved into the town house he had already been living in pre-wedding. I have no idea at what point we went from 2 laundry bins down to 1 collective shared laundry bin. But I got to thinking as I stood there smiling at our 1 SHARED bin this week...what else in our lives has gone from separate to shared. Individual to collective. 'ME' to 'US.'

After 6 years of marriage there are many things like the laundry bins that started out as 'yours' and 'mine' that are now 'ours' and I'm proud of those things, but I think my challenge for this 7th year of doing life together will be to look for the places I've been unwilling to truly MERGE from 2 to 1 and be more intentional about changing that. This is a hard thing for an independent, oldest child, type A, CONTROL FREAK like myself because most of these places are more matters of the heart than tangible objects in our closet. Thankfully I'm married to a patient, loves-me-even-though-I'm-said-control-freak (or perhaps it's in spite of that?), not terrible to look at [wink] husband. Bring it on 2012 - the year of ONE-NESS!

Happy Anniversary to my favorite boy!

"So they are no longer two, but one flesh." -- Mark 10:8

...for the days of doubt

I was recently talking with a co-worker who also welcomed their second child this summer and he mentioned that statistically marital satisfaction is lowest after the birth of the 2nd child. We both laughed - agreeing that we felt this was true, and what we were each doing to try and combat that.

I've blogged on this topic before - but it's been a challenging summer for many reasons, and especially as I've gone back to work and been sucked right back into the dog-eat-dog-world of corporate America, I've felt at odds with most of what's going on at home, specifically my marriage. It is not entirely uncommon for Aaron and I to be "ships passing in the night" with schedules that are most often polar opposite, however we've always managed to make date nights a priority and carve out a few nights at home together during the week where work is off limits and we can just sit and watch TV together. The key being - both present. With adding another kid to the mix, my current project load at work, his schedule and the extra-curricular "stuff" we've both got going - prioritized time together has all but gone the way of the dinosaur. Not intentionally, and we talk often about the need to be better about it...but life goes on, just happening around us and before we know it, it's been 3 months since we've had a date!

Broken relationships are the norm for me - in looking across all sides of my family, there is only about one couple who got married many years ago and is still married. It's just what I know. And as I've continued to (what I'd describe as) spiral to a place of being less satisfied with life- there is no shortage of times I've blurted out statements such as 'I give up', 'I can't do it anymore', 'I don't know why we ever thought our lives could join together - it's impossible.' This isn't at all my eluding to wanting to separate from my husband - they are more just statements of pure defeat, my feeling like the task at hand (prioritizing my marriage and my family) is impossible!

My sister-in-law got married this past summer (side note - she was without a doubt, the most beautiful bride I've ever seen!) and one of the songs they had in their ceremony was Dave Barnes' 'God Gave Me You'...well, it happened to come across my playlist on my way into work this morning and I was struck by a portion of the chorus lyrics:

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I've lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you

For anyone who knows us, it's no secret...my husband and I are good with our words. Like every married couple - we know what really gets under each other's skin. We are both oldest children, alpha-dogs, stubborn, strong-willed and do not back down easily. I love this about us, but it can prove to be challenging at times when we are odds (oh wait, I mean - nice Christian couples never argue - and being the good submissive wife I am - I only ever say 'yes, dear!'). However, I've noticed as I've struggled since Megan's birth to regain my "bearings" and had moments of admitting above statements of defeat - that's usually when I'll get a text from him saying 'I love you and I'm committed to our relationship' and other similar messages. It doesn't solve anything, but it reminds me and grounds me... I am tethered to something, to someone - and he is confident in our ability to work through challenge, even when I am not.

So, this morning when I heard that song - specifically the phrase "for the days of doubt" I was overcome with gratitude and awe. Awe of the way God's design truly DOES play out in my life, even when I'm not helping it along (weird, God doesn't need my help?). And, gratitude for a husband, who could slam the door in my face when, for the millionth time this month, I throw my arms in the air and say 'I can't!' - but instead sees through to the heart of the other stressors at hand and responds lovingly.

My boy, he mostly rocks. I love him.