...for the days of doubt

I was recently talking with a co-worker who also welcomed their second child this summer and he mentioned that statistically marital satisfaction is lowest after the birth of the 2nd child. We both laughed - agreeing that we felt this was true, and what we were each doing to try and combat that.

I've blogged on this topic before - but it's been a challenging summer for many reasons, and especially as I've gone back to work and been sucked right back into the dog-eat-dog-world of corporate America, I've felt at odds with most of what's going on at home, specifically my marriage. It is not entirely uncommon for Aaron and I to be "ships passing in the night" with schedules that are most often polar opposite, however we've always managed to make date nights a priority and carve out a few nights at home together during the week where work is off limits and we can just sit and watch TV together. The key being - both present. With adding another kid to the mix, my current project load at work, his schedule and the extra-curricular "stuff" we've both got going - prioritized time together has all but gone the way of the dinosaur. Not intentionally, and we talk often about the need to be better about it...but life goes on, just happening around us and before we know it, it's been 3 months since we've had a date!

Broken relationships are the norm for me - in looking across all sides of my family, there is only about one couple who got married many years ago and is still married. It's just what I know. And as I've continued to (what I'd describe as) spiral to a place of being less satisfied with life- there is no shortage of times I've blurted out statements such as 'I give up', 'I can't do it anymore', 'I don't know why we ever thought our lives could join together - it's impossible.' This isn't at all my eluding to wanting to separate from my husband - they are more just statements of pure defeat, my feeling like the task at hand (prioritizing my marriage and my family) is impossible!

My sister-in-law got married this past summer (side note - she was without a doubt, the most beautiful bride I've ever seen!) and one of the songs they had in their ceremony was Dave Barnes' 'God Gave Me You'...well, it happened to come across my playlist on my way into work this morning and I was struck by a portion of the chorus lyrics:

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I've lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you

For anyone who knows us, it's no secret...my husband and I are good with our words. Like every married couple - we know what really gets under each other's skin. We are both oldest children, alpha-dogs, stubborn, strong-willed and do not back down easily. I love this about us, but it can prove to be challenging at times when we are odds (oh wait, I mean - nice Christian couples never argue - and being the good submissive wife I am - I only ever say 'yes, dear!'). However, I've noticed as I've struggled since Megan's birth to regain my "bearings" and had moments of admitting above statements of defeat - that's usually when I'll get a text from him saying 'I love you and I'm committed to our relationship' and other similar messages. It doesn't solve anything, but it reminds me and grounds me... I am tethered to something, to someone - and he is confident in our ability to work through challenge, even when I am not.

So, this morning when I heard that song - specifically the phrase "for the days of doubt" I was overcome with gratitude and awe. Awe of the way God's design truly DOES play out in my life, even when I'm not helping it along (weird, God doesn't need my help?). And, gratitude for a husband, who could slam the door in my face when, for the millionth time this month, I throw my arms in the air and say 'I can't!' - but instead sees through to the heart of the other stressors at hand and responds lovingly.

My boy, he mostly rocks. I love him.

No Wonder?

I haven't blogged in quite some time. I could blame this on several things...you know - things like pregnancy, having another baby, being up to my eyeballs in newborn crazy, etc. The truth is - I've had several 'blog topics' fly in and out of my brain, but have not been disciplined enough to pause and write...until this morning. I got up at 5:00am (which is normal for me when I'm working, but not quite so normal on maternity leave - especially when I was just up at 2:30 feeding a baby!) to meet a friend for a run, which felt fantastic - both seeing the friend and getting out to pound the pavement...but the BONUS was coming home to a quiet house and taking my cup of coffee, Bible and journal out to the front porch for some me time. In all honesty - it's been ages since I've even picked up my Bible. You see - my Bible camps out on my night stand, and these past 7 weeks by the time I crawl into my bed (next to said night stand) I have no energy for reading and just want to sleep. What does this confession have to do with anything? I walk out to the porch excited for my 'me' time, but since I haven't been in the Word for a while - I just randomly thumb through some of my favorite passages hoping SOMETHING will speak to my tired heart.

'My heart is confident in you, O God; no wonder I can sing your praises!' - Psalm 108:1

Oh what a lovely verse. Just one of those that makes you smile and think lovely, warm and fuzzy Christian-y thoughts, right? So I'm smiling reading this verse, sipping my coffee, waving at the neighbor driving to work - thinking how lovely it is to be on the porch not having to go to work - reading my warm and fuzzy verse. Just for kicks - I go on and read the rest of the Psalm. Well - wouldn't you know - David goes on to cry out to God and for favor and to claim His promises when God's people need rescue. David is begging God not to reject them and is desperate for God's help in achieving victory over their enemies. So when David began this particular Psalm with this lovely verse - it wasn't as he was drinking his morning coffee and waving to the neighbors. Shoot. This is the part where my brain starts going - and for me, these are the moments when the Holy Spirit whispers to my heart.

Is it not easy to shout 'MY HEART IS CONFIDENT IN YOU, O GOD' and delight in singing the praises of the Lord when life is good, when the sun is shining (I mean this both literally and figuratively - especially for us Minnesotans...we'll go with the figuratively as we don't see the literal sun much these days), when the blessings in our lives are so numerous - it's all we can see. But can I shout this with just as much conviction when I'm in darkness. When a situation seems hopeless. When I can't see Jesus. When I'm in an impossible situation, like David must have felt when he wrote this. Now, what baffles me even more is that it's not like David lists out his troubles and what he is asking God for and then finishes it up with a good old 'I delight in singing your praises' - kind of like the pretty bow on the package. HE STARTS OUT WITH THIS! It's the very first thing out of his mouth. I'm typically more of a - start with the request, end with thanksgiving - kind of pray-er. The Bible refers to David as a man after God's own heart - and I'm wondering if it's that intimate walk with the Lord that leads to David communicating with God in this way. Confident and sure of his God first and foremost, but still sharing his requests (come on - we're instructed to do this - Phil 4:6!!!).

I've been in a bit of a desert lately. I'm told it's normal - that whole post partum, emotional, sleep-deprived, going from one kid to two, etc and etc. That doesn't change the fact that my heart is tired and I feel emotionally bankrupt. Truth be told - I think my 'crazy' is just getting to me and it sometimes gets just plain old looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, even though I KNOW this season is just temporary. Anyway - I know it's different for everyone and that what I'm currently going through may seem so very piddly in comparison to what a real struggle or impossible situation looks like. However, for ME - the practical application of this verse in my life at this current season is to wear this verse like a banner over my whole life. Over every situation. Over every tear. My challenge is to be confident in my very big God - FIRST. Not after I panic about how I'm feeling or after I nurse my 'wounds' of feeling dry and empty. To be so confident in my Jesus that it's NO WONDER that the first thing out of my mouth is praise.

Stepping down off of temporary soapbox...time to shower.

...it is not easily angered...

I've been chewing on 'anger' a lot lately. I am totally an extremist - I go from 0-60 in my response, REALLY well! If I'm cold - I want the heat up to 75, the fireplace on, layers of warm clothes, a blanket and a hot drink IMMEDIATELY! If the result of all of that is that I wind up feeling warm - I want the AC to the max and an iced drink IMMEDIATELY. Expectations are another area where I often find myself in the midst of an extreme response. Aaron and I got married the end of January, 6 weeks later I went on a women's retreat with our church (which also happened to end on my birthday). On the drive home from the retreat I had visions of all the wonderful things my new husband was sure to be planning on my very 1st birthday as a married woman. I arrived home to find Aaron baking a yellow cake with chocolate frosting. My response was a meltdown. I sobbed over the fact that this man who I just signed up to spend forever with did not, in fact, know me at all. Yellow cake with chocolate frosting is HIS favorite, not mine. I hate chocolate frosting. Why is it a cake from a box? The list goes on. What I completely missed in my larger-than-life reaction is that...THIS man (who apparently was so worthless in that moment) was baking me a cake. The boy who doesn't cook and most certainly doesn't bake had put the effort into thinking about it being my birthday, driving to the store to pick out a cake and then making it to be ready when I got home. He's a good boy. I am a crazy wife-who IS easily angered.

I think I am a person with really good, genuine intentions. But when something doesn't happen just how I'd like it to, or just how I had planned for it to be...I am easily angered. I blame my short fuse on a lot of things...working full-time, being the mom of a toddler, having a husband with a bizarro schedule, etc - all valid things to make a person operate at a bit of a higher stress level...but certainly do not justify the response. A few times more recently Aaron has made a point to talk to me about the fact that I 'seem mad' often. [side note: I could write a separate blog about how much I LOVE (insert sarcasm) when my husband calls out things in me that are right on, and even better...CONVICTING! I really feel like I read somewhere that this whole 'iron sharpening iron' thing is supposed to be enjoyable?] I'm not sure of the exact reason, but I've been chewing on it and the phrase 'slow to anger' kept coming to mind. I finally figured that it must be a part of an old verse that I memorized back in AWANA days and aww thanks, Holy Spirit for bringing it to mind - yup, I should be slow to anger. I decided to search for the reference on 'bible gateway' this morning and what to my wondering eyes should appear? Not a single reference where this is a characteristic we as believers are encouraged to display, but 9 times just on the 1st page this is a characteristic that describes who GOD is. OH - it's a character trait of God's. Crap. I think I'm supposed to be striving towards being more like Him? I somehow end up at 1 Corinthians 13 and see this component of the 'LOVE' verses...[Paul says - in defining LOVE] '...it is not easily angered.' Crap. I am easily angered and 100% of the time it's toward those I...wait for it...LOVE.

Here's the part where I get really transparent as I attempt to put my conviction into practice - so no judgement allowed. Well, actually - judge all you want, just keep it to yourself. ;)

We are hosting Christmas Day at our house this year. I was thrilled that it worked out - it's our 1st Christmas in this house, we finally have a house with a great space for hosting, etc. We all landed on having appetizers as our 'meal' and that everyone would bring something to the handful of things I would be making. I send a note to confirm menu and to ask each person what they are going to bring. Some of the responses I get back are not a firm answer - just that 'something' or 'a surprise' will be brought. 0-60...are you KIDDING me? How can I plan for my very fabulous Christmas afternoon if I don't know every single thing coming to my house, I had in my head an idea of what my table will look like and now it's RUINED because I don't have all of the information. My tendency is to respond back with a request to know every last detail of every dish in advance. I've opted not to. Isn't the purpose of hosting a holiday meal, like Christmas, just to open up our home to our family that we love? And really - what's it to me if we have double of something, or something that isn't my personal favorite, or lots of leftovers. WHO CARES!

And so, maybe that's the ticket...I simply need to take the 'who cares' approach more often.

Log Jam - No Thank You!

I'm working from home this afternoon as Abby's daycare is closed today. I'm sitting on the couch in our office letting the sunlight stream in - it's glorious! Abby just woke up from a lovely 2-hour nap, which allowed me to crank through some WORK and now she's sitting on the floor in here with me playing with toys. Her toy of choice at this present moment is one of those contraptions where there's 4 openings across the top of a rectangular block structure. You use a hammer to knock each of the balls into said structure and they go through a variety of cool maze looking things before coming out the opening at end (very Mouse Trap-esque).

I happened to be working on a different blog when my little girl's frustrated squeaks interrupted my thought. "OOOOOOOO I can't do it....I CAN'T DO IT MOMMY!" I look over and sure enough she's got every ball jammed in this thing and now you can't get anything in or out. Log jam. The purpose of the toy is to have all of the balls put through it, however not all at once. The balls aren't bad...just not meant to be all in there at the same time. In fact, when they're all in there at the same time the toy now becomes obsolete...unable to fulfill it's purpose. It's the kind of thing where - if no one takes the time to unclog the log jam this toy will either end up on the shelf, in a box or just plain in the trash because it's useless. [cue soft piano music...I'm having a bit of a moment here]

I laugh and say "ok...settle down, just bring it to Mommy. I'll fix it."

Enter teachable moment. This toy in it's current condition and my life in many seasons are not all that different. I'm good at filling my life up with all sorts of great things, but often they're things that aren't necessarily 'God-things' (to use a phrase coined in one of my favorite small groups - Life on Purpose). And if I find myself with a log jam of said things - I can no longer fulfill my purpose. The things God has for me - I no longer have room for. I don't want to become obsolete, I don't want to miss the things that I'm supposed to do and/or be a part of. And yet when I completely come unglued, when a log jam appears - I am not a lost cause. I get that same gentle "ok...settle down, just bring it to me and I'll fix it." Can't you just see it now...I'm getting all emotional having this revelation of my own life and all the while the poor two-year-old is still freaking out because I have yet to fix her beloved toy. I take care of the jam - all is right in the world again, and I'm listening to her send each ball on it's journey with a mighty SMACK of the hammer.

So now that I've had a good reminder of something I'm already accutely aware of - how do I take it to the next step beyond awareness to mastery or maturity to hopefully have less of the 'fix-it-freak-outs.'

Once I figure out the answer...I'll be sure to share.

What Good is Perspective Anyway?

I decided I'm tired of getting perspective. How's that for an offensive statement. As I sit down to write this blog I realize that my last blog was pretty much about this very same thing...hmm...perhaps this appearance of a theme is, in fact, something with a bigger purpose than fleeting thoughts and feeling helpless and frustrated.

This past Friday I was part of 'Beauty Night' at our church - an incredible event, unlike anything we've ever done before that was about reaching out to our fellow girls in need - in different situations, different walks of life and all throughout this community. And not just doing a church-y outreach, but truly being WITH them. {This was my beautiful friend Kristie's brain child - she's incredible!} One of the elements of this night was childcare so that the mamas could enjoy some kid-less time. I ended up spending a bit of time helping with kiddo check-in and walking moms back and forth to drop-off their kids. One of the first little ones I came in contact with was a little guy perhaps 3 or 4 who was wearing Winnie the Pooh slippers instead of shoes. And they were worn - like he wore them outside often. Now, I have no context - perhaps he had many pairs of shoes at home and was going through a normal kid phase of just LOVING those slippers and never wanting to take them off. But regardless - I just stood there paralyzed. Earlier that day I had stopped by the downtown Baby Gap store - happened to see a sign saying 'additional 40% of all sale items' and one of the things I had picked up for Abby was a new pair of sandals. So kids shoes were on the brain a bit. Looking back now I should have jumped in my car, ran to Target and picked up some new tennis shoes & socks for this sweet boy, it would have taken all of 15 minutes. But instead I stood there - soaked in some good old perspective, but did nothing.

A girlfriend just forwarded me a website where there are sweet little girls in Ukranian countries just waiting to be adopted but all with mild to severe medical/developmental conditions and concerns. It is heartbreaking just to look at the website. I clicked on the link - read through almost every little girl's profile - took in a healthy dose of perspective, but have done nothing other than to offer a quick prayer as I saw each face.

I continue to not know what to do with my little doses here and there of perspective. Perhaps Aaron and I need to be praying about adoption, perhaps the answer is to contribute financially to this - and other - causes. Perhaps this is God softening my heart and preparing me for something entirely different? I have no clue.

I stumbled upon these verses last month and was reminded of the passage again today...

Proverbs 24:11-12 ~ Rescue those who are unjustly sentenced to die; save them as they stagger to their death. Don’t excuse yourself by saying, “Look, we didn’t know.” For God understands all hearts, and he sees you. He who guards your soul knows you knew.~

Here I sit...in my beautiful house, with my perfect daughter sleeping in the next room - who has never once felt unloved, afraid (of anything other than Daddy's monster sounds), unwanted or hungry.

I have a friend who signs his emails 'Be the change you want to see in the world.' I think for now...I'll chew on that, because I just don't think continuing to do nothing is an option.

When Do Matters of the Heart Become the Heart of the Matter?

We moved into a new house this past January, and one of our favorite things about our new house is the fact that it has an irrigation system. Being novices at using said system the lovely 'A to Z Landscaping' guy came out, got us all set up, showed Aaron how to use the system - put us on an every other day rotation, etc and we're set (well...at least until we get our first bill and need to alter the frequency :) ). On the days we water - the rotation starts at 5am and so when I pull out the driveway about 6:30am the last zone is finishing up on the left side of the yard...so on that first as I'm backing out I notice that we are full on WATERING THE DRIVEWAY! I'm totally torked all the way into work. I call Aaron to inform him that I am NOT going to pay for asphalt watering, to which he responds with some uber rational "ok - I'll go out and take a look at it..." and great, taken care of. However, as I went about my day it just was really bothering me and I could not get one thought out of my head. It's no secret that in many parts of the world we are in a MAJOR water crisis. Babies die every day, every hour - every mintute (I'm guessing?) because of a lack of drink-able water. And here I am with my LOADS of good water WATERING THE DRIVEWAY?! In all honesty - I don't know what to do with that. I think there's value to my thought process, but what am I going to do...have my irrigation system dug up to ensure that no children go without a suitable water supply. Of this be sure, oh cyberspace, if that was all it took - it'd have been done already.

Anyone who knows me knows I love to shop. :) I just do. Unashamedly (is that a word?) - I love to shop, I love clothes, I love shoes, I love to grocery shop - I love to furniture shop, I love to shop for others, I love to shop for my family, I love to shop for me. I'm not materialistic. It isn't what motivates me. It isn't the purpose in my life - it's just something I enjoy. I have a husband who's great with money - he ensures we save, don't have debt, tithe and are generous and doesn't tolerate any irresponsibility on my end with spending so I'm forced to shop within reason (read - SUPER THANKFUL FOR THAT even though I fight it with a vengence!). However, lately as I'm out my thought process goes something like this... [I'm at Target : cute ballet flats $12.99 - totally going to get these - can wear these for family pics with Dietrich next week, which reminds me need to stop at the mall on the way home to pick up my shirt at the Limited and Aaron's shirt at the Buckle - but then we should be good because Abby already has her outfit from her birthday party. Hmm...it's weird that here I am planning our outfits for our professional pictures that we have done every 6 months, ON TOP of everything else we do in our lives when there are people who literally don't know how they're going to buy food...and/or are homeless and/or don't have jobs and/or can't afford to buy their kids clothes AT ALL - let alone the fancy tutu for pictures.] AH. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO RECONCILE THAT. Should I not shop? Should I make more trips to the Good Will - or is there somewhere else I should go? I literally already go there once a quarter AT LEAST.

I truly don't believe God is convicting me to stop watering my lawn, or even to refuse to purchase anything. I don't think I'm being convicted about the $29.50 shirt at the Limited...but what I do see is a gently prodding in my spirit asking this question. What will it take to turn matters of the heart (the things that could be a fleeting thought or just something I hold internally going...'huh - what to do with that?') into THE HEART OF THE MATTER.

My stuff isn't the problem...it's how I look at the stuff, how I feel without the stuff, and my willingness to GIVE my stuff.

I feel like lately my blogs are answer-less...and I think for this season of my life, maybe that's ok. I'd prefer to blog some grandiose life lesson that concludes with a teachable moment I can then share with others vs being completely vulnerable about my own process, however - for this moment in time. So be it. :)

Oh, North Central...

Aaron and I did not attend the same college. He went to North Central Bible College (now North Central University) and I went to Bethel College (now Bethel University)...[an aside - think it's sort of funny when schools get fancier names]. Now, looking back I'm quite sure one of the things that saved us was the fact that we were at different schools with different groups of friends, however there was a time when I was seriously contemplating transferring to be closer to him [read: to ensure he was staying away from all the cute girls in the music department].

Throughout our college years I got the change to hang out at NCU a ton. I got to know a ton of Aaron's friends and teachers - and even started bringing my Bethel friends to Wednesday night Praise Gathering even when Aaron was on the road, which became my own thing. For me...there was something about North Central's chapel and the songs that were written and sung out of that place. We sang songs by graduates who I had never met (or had yet to meet), songs by my husband (I'll give anyone a prize who can name the song of Aaron's still sung there), and songs by non-NCU people...but there was just something about the annointed worship within that chapel. Or was it something else. I'm not doubting the fact that God's presence is absolutely there and He moves in great ways through the students and worship there. However, my life at that point - my struggle, my brokenness, my confusion and my utter dependence on God. My loneliness, which drove me into a place of constant conversation with Him...a place of oneness with my Father that hadn't been experienced before or since then. I journaled (writing letters) daily, I sought every opportunity to be in His presence - especially worship settings - that I could and was just SO hungry. I experienced a lot of hurt and joy in those few years, and yet my memories in that chapel are such sweet ones. I feel like sharing this memory should lead somewhere...and there should be some profound 'conclusion' or 'teachable moment' to end this blog, but there isn't. Maybe that makes me shotty writer, maybe that just makes me a real human...but I love that I have a season like that in my life to look back on and know what truly walking with the Lord looked like at that time. I know we are called to always be broken, to always walk with God, yada-yada...however, there's something about being shaken to the core (in this particular instance it was because of a boy...who shall remain nameless :) ) and trying to recover, or even just figure out how to wade through whatever the circumstance that makes that certain season of one's walk with God just a little sweeter. Similarly - my first months as a new mom were that way as well.

Anyway...ALL of the above hit me like a freight train this past Monday night standing in North Central's chapel for Dave Pedde's 'farewell' concert singing...

'we enthrone you with our praises, we enthrone you in our lives, we enthrone you king of the ages, we enthrone you - you are Christ.' [probably my all time favorite Dave Pedde song!]

For the memories and the change over the past 10 years - I am grateful!