Role Clarity

I've been thinking a lot lately about role clarity.  It's something I've had the chance to spend a great deal of time working on over the years as I've built a career in HR.  One of my very favorite parts of my job is organizational design work - to sit with a group of leaders and ask questions like...

In simple terms -what is the goal?

What is currently enabling the goal to be met and what is standing in the way?

What is the necessary output of this team?

Remove all names, ego, pride, history, seniority, and anything else personal and just look at the work - are you clear on the desired outcome?

At the end of the day - what does success look like?

And to then spend time with them building out a team structure to most efficiently and most excellently deliver the end result.  

But that's work.

This is about life.

Because I spend so much time in my professional life thinking about ROLES I am acutely aware of the different roles I play in my life.  Wife.  Mom.  Daughter.  Friend.  Etc.

The role of wife is probably the one I spend the most time thinking about.  Webster defines ROLE as 'a character assigned or assumed.'  WIFE is defined as 'a female partner in a marriage.'  And we know that the Bible pretty clearly articulates the role of the wife - characteristics of a wife and the interaction model between husbands and wives...and wait for it...ROLE CLARITY between husbands and wives. I hate the word submission.  Period.  I just do.  I'm an independent gal, I have strong opinions, I'm a leader, I enjoy being an equal partner, I enjoy having a point of view, knowing where our finances are, having a say in decision making, etc.  And yet there's something in me that is hard-wired to be directed, to be led, to be cared for, to be protected, to come under a covering...to submit.  Dang it.  

Every day that passes I am more and more certain that my husband was designed by God specifically for me (I mean, obviously I believe that he was, but I truly SEE it more and more all the time).  He is patient and steadfast, confident and gentle and is completely unimpressed with the walls I put up and the hard exterior I 'sport' from time to time.  We operate in a partnership in every sense of the word - we both work, he does daycare drop-off - I do daycare pick-up, we both pay bills, we both clean the house, etc.  (He is not allowed to do laundry....there was one episode year 1 of marriage where a swimsuit met the dryer.  No more laundry for Aaron.)  We have the awesome privilege of having some pretty incredible marriages that surround us, and I have many a gal-pal who seem to have this whole role of wife nailed - who challenge me and set an amazing example.  And as we deepen our relationships with a subset of couples I am profoundly challenged to better align myself under the covering of my husband.  To follow his lead more often.  And to fiercely pray for him as he leads me and leads our family vs fiercely trying to state my peace and to tirelessly try to get him to do what I want.  I will always be a gal who has an opinion and shares it, and thankfully I'm married to a guy who cares and wants to hear my opinion and who wants to make decisions together.  It will always be important to me to be just as educated on our finances as he is.  It will always be important to me to be just as involved in the negotiation of a new car price as he is.  And the list goes on.

So - looking back at the definitions I shared above...it's not just that I've assumed the role of female partner in marriage; I've been assigned the role of female partner in marriage.  And if I believe the Bible to be God's word - I've got this whole role clarity thing pretty clearly mapped out for me.  What's required of me is my willingness to operate differently.  So...back to my list of questions I like to ask my clients.  If I spend some time asking myself those questions as it pertains to marriage - the answers are actually really clear.  And while I've got work to do in this area (let's be honest...who doesn't have work to do in some area of life?!  OK fine, if you don't...you can come over and clean my house) - I'm amazed at the faithful blessings that are there every time I take strides toward becoming more godly in my role as Wife.

On the Hook for What?

Yesterday was the Twins home opener. For the last several years we've had a tradition of going to the game and yesterday was no different, it was also Abby's first year to come along. Fun (and freezing) family time. As we were leaving the stadium we passed several people holding up signs asking for help - 'VET', 'HOMELESS', 'OUT OF WORK', etc. Having worked downtown Minneapolis for eight years, this is not anything out of the ordinary for what I see every day. We happened to pass a young woman who looked incredibly sad and was holding a sign that said 'Husband died...' (it said more than that, but in my effort not to stare I missed the rest of it) and she was holding a bucket. We had just about passed her and Aaron burst out 'I want to give her something' and before I could turn around he was back by her placing some money into her bucket.

I'm a cynical Minnesotan. I've seen the 20/20 episodes featuring people like this young woman who after standing outside an event like that, proceed to walk a few blocks away and get in their Cadillac SUV and drive home to their beautiful home - and use this method of "making money" to fund their lifestyle at the expense of others' naive kindness. I've heard every story about men and women who use a 'sob-story' sign to tug at the heart strings of others, get their $ and then go buy more drugs and alcohol. I've heard it all. But for some reason, yesterday was different and I haven't been able to stop thinking about that 30 second experience.

Anyone who works with or for me knows that ACCOUNTABILITY is my non-negotiable for myself and for others. It's your ticket in the door. Be sure of what you are on the hook for, help others understand what they are on the hook for and deliver excellent results against those expectations. This is much easier to bring clarity to in the business world - but when it comes to the heart, and trying to hear God's voice - what I'm 'on the hook for' suddenly is blurry. Or isn't it?

I think that's what I've been going over and over again in my head regarding yesterday's interaction with that young woman. What am I on the hook for? Am I on the hook for teaching her a lesson by walking by and not even making eye contact? Am I on the hook for making eye contact and smiling, but not giving anything? Am I on the hook for putting a tract in her bucket when what she's asking for is money?

Am I on the hook for the content of my heart?

It's entirely possible that this young woman isn't even married, and will use the money she received yesterday to go out and party this week-end. But isn't it also entirely possible that she is a broken-hearted young woman who, out of pure desperation, is seeking the potential kindness of strangers to feed her two young children. If I attempt to answer this question in the Word I come upon phrases like: 'Do not judge, or you too will be judged' Matt 7:1 and 'whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me' Matt 25:39, and the list is endless. The interesting thing as I continue to dig - I don't find a checklist - if said brother or sister meets X, Y and Z criteria so that you know their need is legit - then do something. It sort of seems like Jesus is saying - "when you see a need, meet it. Let me do the rest." The bible is also super clear on judgement and all sorts of other things around holding not only us accountable for what we do when needs are presented, but for those who receive - what they do as well.

I'm not suggesting we all give every single time you see someone with a sign, I'm not even saying I'm going to strive to do that or that it's even the RIGHT thing to do. In fact, I think for me - the 'on the hook' part I'm going to take home from this thought process of mine is much more about the needs of those around me, which are often not even related to money. What I am saying is that I think some time spent thinking about what I'm personally 'on the hook for', as it pertains to the content of my heart, is time well spent. And, as far as yesterday goes...well, I'm thankful for a husband who did something. I don't know if it was some huge "GOD SPOKE TO ME" moment for him, or if it was simply seeing her eyes and in seeing her need, thinking about his own wife being alone and afraid and so as a husband, he acted. Regardless of the reason - his action spurred me to have a moment of self-examination...and I find those moments, while often wildly uncomfortable and uncertain, really good.

Less Two...More One.

Today is our 6th wedding anniversary. The week before our anniversary I always get a little bit reflective on the flurry of events and emotion that surrounded our wedding and the journey we've been on since January 20th, 2006. This past week has been no different in that regard.

This past week-end I was going through every bedroom pulling together all of our laundry for the Sunday laundry marathon. I walked into our closet and dumped out our laundry bin, stood there for a moment smiling...and went back to doing laundry. I love doing laundry, always have. I'm weird like that. One of the things I thought was fun about getting married was that I'd get to do someone else's laundry too (someone should have told me about boys and their never-ending amounts of dirty socks and undershirts - sheesh!). When we were first married we each had our own laundry bin on our respective sides of the closet. It wasn't a conscious decision we made, just sort of happened as I moved into the town house he had already been living in pre-wedding. I have no idea at what point we went from 2 laundry bins down to 1 collective shared laundry bin. But I got to thinking as I stood there smiling at our 1 SHARED bin this week...what else in our lives has gone from separate to shared. Individual to collective. 'ME' to 'US.'

After 6 years of marriage there are many things like the laundry bins that started out as 'yours' and 'mine' that are now 'ours' and I'm proud of those things, but I think my challenge for this 7th year of doing life together will be to look for the places I've been unwilling to truly MERGE from 2 to 1 and be more intentional about changing that. This is a hard thing for an independent, oldest child, type A, CONTROL FREAK like myself because most of these places are more matters of the heart than tangible objects in our closet. Thankfully I'm married to a patient, loves-me-even-though-I'm-said-control-freak (or perhaps it's in spite of that?), not terrible to look at [wink] husband. Bring it on 2012 - the year of ONE-NESS!

Happy Anniversary to my favorite boy!

"So they are no longer two, but one flesh." -- Mark 10:8

...for the days of doubt

I was recently talking with a co-worker who also welcomed their second child this summer and he mentioned that statistically marital satisfaction is lowest after the birth of the 2nd child. We both laughed - agreeing that we felt this was true, and what we were each doing to try and combat that.

I've blogged on this topic before - but it's been a challenging summer for many reasons, and especially as I've gone back to work and been sucked right back into the dog-eat-dog-world of corporate America, I've felt at odds with most of what's going on at home, specifically my marriage. It is not entirely uncommon for Aaron and I to be "ships passing in the night" with schedules that are most often polar opposite, however we've always managed to make date nights a priority and carve out a few nights at home together during the week where work is off limits and we can just sit and watch TV together. The key being - both present. With adding another kid to the mix, my current project load at work, his schedule and the extra-curricular "stuff" we've both got going - prioritized time together has all but gone the way of the dinosaur. Not intentionally, and we talk often about the need to be better about it...but life goes on, just happening around us and before we know it, it's been 3 months since we've had a date!

Broken relationships are the norm for me - in looking across all sides of my family, there is only about one couple who got married many years ago and is still married. It's just what I know. And as I've continued to (what I'd describe as) spiral to a place of being less satisfied with life- there is no shortage of times I've blurted out statements such as 'I give up', 'I can't do it anymore', 'I don't know why we ever thought our lives could join together - it's impossible.' This isn't at all my eluding to wanting to separate from my husband - they are more just statements of pure defeat, my feeling like the task at hand (prioritizing my marriage and my family) is impossible!

My sister-in-law got married this past summer (side note - she was without a doubt, the most beautiful bride I've ever seen!) and one of the songs they had in their ceremony was Dave Barnes' 'God Gave Me You'...well, it happened to come across my playlist on my way into work this morning and I was struck by a portion of the chorus lyrics:

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I've lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you

For anyone who knows us, it's no secret...my husband and I are good with our words. Like every married couple - we know what really gets under each other's skin. We are both oldest children, alpha-dogs, stubborn, strong-willed and do not back down easily. I love this about us, but it can prove to be challenging at times when we are odds (oh wait, I mean - nice Christian couples never argue - and being the good submissive wife I am - I only ever say 'yes, dear!'). However, I've noticed as I've struggled since Megan's birth to regain my "bearings" and had moments of admitting above statements of defeat - that's usually when I'll get a text from him saying 'I love you and I'm committed to our relationship' and other similar messages. It doesn't solve anything, but it reminds me and grounds me... I am tethered to something, to someone - and he is confident in our ability to work through challenge, even when I am not.

So, this morning when I heard that song - specifically the phrase "for the days of doubt" I was overcome with gratitude and awe. Awe of the way God's design truly DOES play out in my life, even when I'm not helping it along (weird, God doesn't need my help?). And, gratitude for a husband, who could slam the door in my face when, for the millionth time this month, I throw my arms in the air and say 'I can't!' - but instead sees through to the heart of the other stressors at hand and responds lovingly.

My boy, he mostly rocks. I love him.

No Wonder?

I haven't blogged in quite some time. I could blame this on several things...you know - things like pregnancy, having another baby, being up to my eyeballs in newborn crazy, etc. The truth is - I've had several 'blog topics' fly in and out of my brain, but have not been disciplined enough to pause and write...until this morning. I got up at 5:00am (which is normal for me when I'm working, but not quite so normal on maternity leave - especially when I was just up at 2:30 feeding a baby!) to meet a friend for a run, which felt fantastic - both seeing the friend and getting out to pound the pavement...but the BONUS was coming home to a quiet house and taking my cup of coffee, Bible and journal out to the front porch for some me time. In all honesty - it's been ages since I've even picked up my Bible. You see - my Bible camps out on my night stand, and these past 7 weeks by the time I crawl into my bed (next to said night stand) I have no energy for reading and just want to sleep. What does this confession have to do with anything? I walk out to the porch excited for my 'me' time, but since I haven't been in the Word for a while - I just randomly thumb through some of my favorite passages hoping SOMETHING will speak to my tired heart.

'My heart is confident in you, O God; no wonder I can sing your praises!' - Psalm 108:1

Oh what a lovely verse. Just one of those that makes you smile and think lovely, warm and fuzzy Christian-y thoughts, right? So I'm smiling reading this verse, sipping my coffee, waving at the neighbor driving to work - thinking how lovely it is to be on the porch not having to go to work - reading my warm and fuzzy verse. Just for kicks - I go on and read the rest of the Psalm. Well - wouldn't you know - David goes on to cry out to God and for favor and to claim His promises when God's people need rescue. David is begging God not to reject them and is desperate for God's help in achieving victory over their enemies. So when David began this particular Psalm with this lovely verse - it wasn't as he was drinking his morning coffee and waving to the neighbors. Shoot. This is the part where my brain starts going - and for me, these are the moments when the Holy Spirit whispers to my heart.

Is it not easy to shout 'MY HEART IS CONFIDENT IN YOU, O GOD' and delight in singing the praises of the Lord when life is good, when the sun is shining (I mean this both literally and figuratively - especially for us Minnesotans...we'll go with the figuratively as we don't see the literal sun much these days), when the blessings in our lives are so numerous - it's all we can see. But can I shout this with just as much conviction when I'm in darkness. When a situation seems hopeless. When I can't see Jesus. When I'm in an impossible situation, like David must have felt when he wrote this. Now, what baffles me even more is that it's not like David lists out his troubles and what he is asking God for and then finishes it up with a good old 'I delight in singing your praises' - kind of like the pretty bow on the package. HE STARTS OUT WITH THIS! It's the very first thing out of his mouth. I'm typically more of a - start with the request, end with thanksgiving - kind of pray-er. The Bible refers to David as a man after God's own heart - and I'm wondering if it's that intimate walk with the Lord that leads to David communicating with God in this way. Confident and sure of his God first and foremost, but still sharing his requests (come on - we're instructed to do this - Phil 4:6!!!).

I've been in a bit of a desert lately. I'm told it's normal - that whole post partum, emotional, sleep-deprived, going from one kid to two, etc and etc. That doesn't change the fact that my heart is tired and I feel emotionally bankrupt. Truth be told - I think my 'crazy' is just getting to me and it sometimes gets just plain old looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, even though I KNOW this season is just temporary. Anyway - I know it's different for everyone and that what I'm currently going through may seem so very piddly in comparison to what a real struggle or impossible situation looks like. However, for ME - the practical application of this verse in my life at this current season is to wear this verse like a banner over my whole life. Over every situation. Over every tear. My challenge is to be confident in my very big God - FIRST. Not after I panic about how I'm feeling or after I nurse my 'wounds' of feeling dry and empty. To be so confident in my Jesus that it's NO WONDER that the first thing out of my mouth is praise.

Stepping down off of temporary soapbox...time to shower.

...it is not easily angered...

I've been chewing on 'anger' a lot lately. I am totally an extremist - I go from 0-60 in my response, REALLY well! If I'm cold - I want the heat up to 75, the fireplace on, layers of warm clothes, a blanket and a hot drink IMMEDIATELY! If the result of all of that is that I wind up feeling warm - I want the AC to the max and an iced drink IMMEDIATELY. Expectations are another area where I often find myself in the midst of an extreme response. Aaron and I got married the end of January, 6 weeks later I went on a women's retreat with our church (which also happened to end on my birthday). On the drive home from the retreat I had visions of all the wonderful things my new husband was sure to be planning on my very 1st birthday as a married woman. I arrived home to find Aaron baking a yellow cake with chocolate frosting. My response was a meltdown. I sobbed over the fact that this man who I just signed up to spend forever with did not, in fact, know me at all. Yellow cake with chocolate frosting is HIS favorite, not mine. I hate chocolate frosting. Why is it a cake from a box? The list goes on. What I completely missed in my larger-than-life reaction is that...THIS man (who apparently was so worthless in that moment) was baking me a cake. The boy who doesn't cook and most certainly doesn't bake had put the effort into thinking about it being my birthday, driving to the store to pick out a cake and then making it to be ready when I got home. He's a good boy. I am a crazy wife-who IS easily angered.

I think I am a person with really good, genuine intentions. But when something doesn't happen just how I'd like it to, or just how I had planned for it to be...I am easily angered. I blame my short fuse on a lot of things...working full-time, being the mom of a toddler, having a husband with a bizarro schedule, etc - all valid things to make a person operate at a bit of a higher stress level...but certainly do not justify the response. A few times more recently Aaron has made a point to talk to me about the fact that I 'seem mad' often. [side note: I could write a separate blog about how much I LOVE (insert sarcasm) when my husband calls out things in me that are right on, and even better...CONVICTING! I really feel like I read somewhere that this whole 'iron sharpening iron' thing is supposed to be enjoyable?] I'm not sure of the exact reason, but I've been chewing on it and the phrase 'slow to anger' kept coming to mind. I finally figured that it must be a part of an old verse that I memorized back in AWANA days and aww thanks, Holy Spirit for bringing it to mind - yup, I should be slow to anger. I decided to search for the reference on 'bible gateway' this morning and what to my wondering eyes should appear? Not a single reference where this is a characteristic we as believers are encouraged to display, but 9 times just on the 1st page this is a characteristic that describes who GOD is. OH - it's a character trait of God's. Crap. I think I'm supposed to be striving towards being more like Him? I somehow end up at 1 Corinthians 13 and see this component of the 'LOVE' verses...[Paul says - in defining LOVE] '...it is not easily angered.' Crap. I am easily angered and 100% of the time it's toward those I...wait for it...LOVE.

Here's the part where I get really transparent as I attempt to put my conviction into practice - so no judgement allowed. Well, actually - judge all you want, just keep it to yourself. ;)

We are hosting Christmas Day at our house this year. I was thrilled that it worked out - it's our 1st Christmas in this house, we finally have a house with a great space for hosting, etc. We all landed on having appetizers as our 'meal' and that everyone would bring something to the handful of things I would be making. I send a note to confirm menu and to ask each person what they are going to bring. Some of the responses I get back are not a firm answer - just that 'something' or 'a surprise' will be brought. 0-60...are you KIDDING me? How can I plan for my very fabulous Christmas afternoon if I don't know every single thing coming to my house, I had in my head an idea of what my table will look like and now it's RUINED because I don't have all of the information. My tendency is to respond back with a request to know every last detail of every dish in advance. I've opted not to. Isn't the purpose of hosting a holiday meal, like Christmas, just to open up our home to our family that we love? And really - what's it to me if we have double of something, or something that isn't my personal favorite, or lots of leftovers. WHO CARES!

And so, maybe that's the ticket...I simply need to take the 'who cares' approach more often.

Log Jam - No Thank You!

I'm working from home this afternoon as Abby's daycare is closed today. I'm sitting on the couch in our office letting the sunlight stream in - it's glorious! Abby just woke up from a lovely 2-hour nap, which allowed me to crank through some WORK and now she's sitting on the floor in here with me playing with toys. Her toy of choice at this present moment is one of those contraptions where there's 4 openings across the top of a rectangular block structure. You use a hammer to knock each of the balls into said structure and they go through a variety of cool maze looking things before coming out the opening at end (very Mouse Trap-esque).

I happened to be working on a different blog when my little girl's frustrated squeaks interrupted my thought. "OOOOOOOO I can't do it....I CAN'T DO IT MOMMY!" I look over and sure enough she's got every ball jammed in this thing and now you can't get anything in or out. Log jam. The purpose of the toy is to have all of the balls put through it, however not all at once. The balls aren't bad...just not meant to be all in there at the same time. In fact, when they're all in there at the same time the toy now becomes obsolete...unable to fulfill it's purpose. It's the kind of thing where - if no one takes the time to unclog the log jam this toy will either end up on the shelf, in a box or just plain in the trash because it's useless. [cue soft piano music...I'm having a bit of a moment here]

I laugh and say "ok...settle down, just bring it to Mommy. I'll fix it."

Enter teachable moment. This toy in it's current condition and my life in many seasons are not all that different. I'm good at filling my life up with all sorts of great things, but often they're things that aren't necessarily 'God-things' (to use a phrase coined in one of my favorite small groups - Life on Purpose). And if I find myself with a log jam of said things - I can no longer fulfill my purpose. The things God has for me - I no longer have room for. I don't want to become obsolete, I don't want to miss the things that I'm supposed to do and/or be a part of. And yet when I completely come unglued, when a log jam appears - I am not a lost cause. I get that same gentle "ok...settle down, just bring it to me and I'll fix it." Can't you just see it now...I'm getting all emotional having this revelation of my own life and all the while the poor two-year-old is still freaking out because I have yet to fix her beloved toy. I take care of the jam - all is right in the world again, and I'm listening to her send each ball on it's journey with a mighty SMACK of the hammer.

So now that I've had a good reminder of something I'm already accutely aware of - how do I take it to the next step beyond awareness to mastery or maturity to hopefully have less of the 'fix-it-freak-outs.'

Once I figure out the answer...I'll be sure to share.