I've been chewing on 'anger' a lot lately. I am totally an extremist - I go from 0-60 in my response, REALLY well! If I'm cold - I want the heat up to 75, the fireplace on, layers of warm clothes, a blanket and a hot drink IMMEDIATELY! If the result of all of that is that I wind up feeling warm - I want the AC to the max and an iced drink IMMEDIATELY. Expectations are another area where I often find myself in the midst of an extreme response. Aaron and I got married the end of January, 6 weeks later I went on a women's retreat with our church (which also happened to end on my birthday). On the drive home from the retreat I had visions of all the wonderful things my new husband was sure to be planning on my very 1st birthday as a married woman. I arrived home to find Aaron baking a yellow cake with chocolate frosting. My response was a meltdown. I sobbed over the fact that this man who I just signed up to spend forever with did not, in fact, know me at all. Yellow cake with chocolate frosting is HIS favorite, not mine. I hate chocolate frosting. Why is it a cake from a box? The list goes on. What I completely missed in my larger-than-life reaction is that...THIS man (who apparently was so worthless in that moment) was baking me a cake. The boy who doesn't cook and most certainly doesn't bake had put the effort into thinking about it being my birthday, driving to the store to pick out a cake and then making it to be ready when I got home. He's a good boy. I am a crazy wife-who IS easily angered.
I think I am a person with really good, genuine intentions. But when something doesn't happen just how I'd like it to, or just how I had planned for it to be...I am easily angered. I blame my short fuse on a lot of things...working full-time, being the mom of a toddler, having a husband with a bizarro schedule, etc - all valid things to make a person operate at a bit of a higher stress level...but certainly do not justify the response. A few times more recently Aaron has made a point to talk to me about the fact that I 'seem mad' often. [side note: I could write a separate blog about how much I LOVE (insert sarcasm) when my husband calls out things in me that are right on, and even better...CONVICTING! I really feel like I read somewhere that this whole 'iron sharpening iron' thing is supposed to be enjoyable?] I'm not sure of the exact reason, but I've been chewing on it and the phrase 'slow to anger' kept coming to mind. I finally figured that it must be a part of an old verse that I memorized back in AWANA days and aww thanks, Holy Spirit for bringing it to mind - yup, I should be slow to anger. I decided to search for the reference on 'bible gateway' this morning and what to my wondering eyes should appear? Not a single reference where this is a characteristic we as believers are encouraged to display, but 9 times just on the 1st page this is a characteristic that describes who GOD is. OH - it's a character trait of God's. Crap. I think I'm supposed to be striving towards being more like Him? I somehow end up at 1 Corinthians 13 and see this component of the 'LOVE' verses...[Paul says - in defining LOVE] '...it is not easily angered.' Crap. I am easily angered and 100% of the time it's toward those I...wait for it...LOVE.
Here's the part where I get really transparent as I attempt to put my conviction into practice - so no judgement allowed. Well, actually - judge all you want, just keep it to yourself. ;)
We are hosting Christmas Day at our house this year. I was thrilled that it worked out - it's our 1st Christmas in this house, we finally have a house with a great space for hosting, etc. We all landed on having appetizers as our 'meal' and that everyone would bring something to the handful of things I would be making. I send a note to confirm menu and to ask each person what they are going to bring. Some of the responses I get back are not a firm answer - just that 'something' or 'a surprise' will be brought. 0-60...are you KIDDING me? How can I plan for my very fabulous Christmas afternoon if I don't know every single thing coming to my house, I had in my head an idea of what my table will look like and now it's RUINED because I don't have all of the information. My tendency is to respond back with a request to know every last detail of every dish in advance. I've opted not to. Isn't the purpose of hosting a holiday meal, like Christmas, just to open up our home to our family that we love? And really - what's it to me if we have double of something, or something that isn't my personal favorite, or lots of leftovers. WHO CARES!
And so, maybe that's the ticket...I simply need to take the 'who cares' approach more often.
