Is anyone else reading Present Over Perfect? Holy smokes. Anyone else feel like Shauna wrote this book just for you? Just me? If you've not yet read this spectacular book, stop what you're doing and order it immediately. You won't be sorry.
In an interesting turn of events - I ended up with a previously scheduled vacation day and no specific plans, and I decided to keep it and just have a day to enjoy nothing to do. My house is clean, laundry is done, grocery shopping done. I'm determined to do things I like today...ok and maybe run to Costco because really, how else will my children survive the week without an econo-sized pack of Eggo waffles?
Back to the book. In reading this morning, this particular paragraph as she describes her 'lifeline best friends' really got me thinking: "We talk every day, usually many times a day, and our constant refrain sounds like this: what can you lay down? How can we make this simpler? Are you getting enough rest? Can I take your kids for a couple hours? Instead of competing for who's busier or who's more tired, who's keeping more balls in the air, we're constantly looking for ways to help each other's lives get lighter, easier to carry, closer to the heart of what we love, less clogged with expectations and unnecessary tasks."
I recently had a friend tell me I was hard to love. Her exact words were 'you're really hard to love. it's not that you're unlovable, you just make it really hard to love you.' Truth be told - I rolled my eyes on the inside and went on with my day; impressed with my high capacity to handle a lot, and proud that while I watched friends around me take each other's help - I didn't need it. I chalked it up to my strong sense of personal accountability/responsibility. Hard to love ... ha. I'm just a super low maintenance friend.
Have I mentioned I'm really good at lying to myself?
I'm the queen of self-preservation. I enjoy controlling my surroundings as much as humanly possible. I enjoy being perceived at not needing anyone. I perceive that this somehow proves my value-proposition to the universe. Look universe, I am so capable. And look universe, I don't need anyone. I do not care for actual vulnerability, but I'm a big fan of calculated vulnerability...you know, the kind where you share just enough to make everyone around you go 'aw, she's so great - so genuine and willing to be vulnerable.'
It's so dangerous. And it's so...oh I don't know...FALSE!
Back to what I read this morning. As I read her words I started to think about friendships/groups of friends I observed around me. I started to think of all the times people have reached out and offered me help, and I just roll my eyes and move on - yet, I watch others help each other in what appears to be a beautiful dance of intimate friendship. And I sit here what, proud that I didn't ask for help? That my saying no to help of any kind lets my friend know that I have things covered over here? Nothing to see here folks, we're perfect at the Johnsons.
Dear sweet heavenly Lord, I DO NOT HAVE IT COVERED.
Let's be really clear. I push all love and help away because the more people are let in, the greater the potential for hurt. I do this in my marriage all the time. If I'm too invested, if there's too much intimacy, if he actually knew how much I needed him, how much I loved him, believed in him ... what if knowing that makes me seem needy? Clingy? Well, who wants that? And heaven forbid - I share my dreams, my fears, my insecurities...certainly not. No one wants to be married to, let alone be friends with a failure!
Enter the gentleness of the Holy Spirit. Truth be told, I'm in one of those reality-altering moments where like Paul, I feel like scales are falling off my blinded eyes and as they fall - the seeing is more clear than it was before. I think I have to work on real vulnerability, and I think accepting love might be part of that. (for anyone who knows me well, this is the moment where I start pulling at my scarf because this type of emotional honesty feels like a NOOSE!)
So remember my friend who said I was hard to love? Well, the next time she came over - I let her take out my trash. Baby steps, people. Baby steps.
Here's to being easier to love (and a whole bunch of other stuff - because apparently I'm less perfect than I'd like you do think). Wink.
