...for the days of doubt

I was recently talking with a co-worker who also welcomed their second child this summer and he mentioned that statistically marital satisfaction is lowest after the birth of the 2nd child. We both laughed - agreeing that we felt this was true, and what we were each doing to try and combat that.

I've blogged on this topic before - but it's been a challenging summer for many reasons, and especially as I've gone back to work and been sucked right back into the dog-eat-dog-world of corporate America, I've felt at odds with most of what's going on at home, specifically my marriage. It is not entirely uncommon for Aaron and I to be "ships passing in the night" with schedules that are most often polar opposite, however we've always managed to make date nights a priority and carve out a few nights at home together during the week where work is off limits and we can just sit and watch TV together. The key being - both present. With adding another kid to the mix, my current project load at work, his schedule and the extra-curricular "stuff" we've both got going - prioritized time together has all but gone the way of the dinosaur. Not intentionally, and we talk often about the need to be better about it...but life goes on, just happening around us and before we know it, it's been 3 months since we've had a date!

Broken relationships are the norm for me - in looking across all sides of my family, there is only about one couple who got married many years ago and is still married. It's just what I know. And as I've continued to (what I'd describe as) spiral to a place of being less satisfied with life- there is no shortage of times I've blurted out statements such as 'I give up', 'I can't do it anymore', 'I don't know why we ever thought our lives could join together - it's impossible.' This isn't at all my eluding to wanting to separate from my husband - they are more just statements of pure defeat, my feeling like the task at hand (prioritizing my marriage and my family) is impossible!

My sister-in-law got married this past summer (side note - she was without a doubt, the most beautiful bride I've ever seen!) and one of the songs they had in their ceremony was Dave Barnes' 'God Gave Me You'...well, it happened to come across my playlist on my way into work this morning and I was struck by a portion of the chorus lyrics:

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I've lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you

For anyone who knows us, it's no secret...my husband and I are good with our words. Like every married couple - we know what really gets under each other's skin. We are both oldest children, alpha-dogs, stubborn, strong-willed and do not back down easily. I love this about us, but it can prove to be challenging at times when we are odds (oh wait, I mean - nice Christian couples never argue - and being the good submissive wife I am - I only ever say 'yes, dear!'). However, I've noticed as I've struggled since Megan's birth to regain my "bearings" and had moments of admitting above statements of defeat - that's usually when I'll get a text from him saying 'I love you and I'm committed to our relationship' and other similar messages. It doesn't solve anything, but it reminds me and grounds me... I am tethered to something, to someone - and he is confident in our ability to work through challenge, even when I am not.

So, this morning when I heard that song - specifically the phrase "for the days of doubt" I was overcome with gratitude and awe. Awe of the way God's design truly DOES play out in my life, even when I'm not helping it along (weird, God doesn't need my help?). And, gratitude for a husband, who could slam the door in my face when, for the millionth time this month, I throw my arms in the air and say 'I can't!' - but instead sees through to the heart of the other stressors at hand and responds lovingly.

My boy, he mostly rocks. I love him.

No Wonder?

I haven't blogged in quite some time. I could blame this on several things...you know - things like pregnancy, having another baby, being up to my eyeballs in newborn crazy, etc. The truth is - I've had several 'blog topics' fly in and out of my brain, but have not been disciplined enough to pause and write...until this morning. I got up at 5:00am (which is normal for me when I'm working, but not quite so normal on maternity leave - especially when I was just up at 2:30 feeding a baby!) to meet a friend for a run, which felt fantastic - both seeing the friend and getting out to pound the pavement...but the BONUS was coming home to a quiet house and taking my cup of coffee, Bible and journal out to the front porch for some me time. In all honesty - it's been ages since I've even picked up my Bible. You see - my Bible camps out on my night stand, and these past 7 weeks by the time I crawl into my bed (next to said night stand) I have no energy for reading and just want to sleep. What does this confession have to do with anything? I walk out to the porch excited for my 'me' time, but since I haven't been in the Word for a while - I just randomly thumb through some of my favorite passages hoping SOMETHING will speak to my tired heart.

'My heart is confident in you, O God; no wonder I can sing your praises!' - Psalm 108:1

Oh what a lovely verse. Just one of those that makes you smile and think lovely, warm and fuzzy Christian-y thoughts, right? So I'm smiling reading this verse, sipping my coffee, waving at the neighbor driving to work - thinking how lovely it is to be on the porch not having to go to work - reading my warm and fuzzy verse. Just for kicks - I go on and read the rest of the Psalm. Well - wouldn't you know - David goes on to cry out to God and for favor and to claim His promises when God's people need rescue. David is begging God not to reject them and is desperate for God's help in achieving victory over their enemies. So when David began this particular Psalm with this lovely verse - it wasn't as he was drinking his morning coffee and waving to the neighbors. Shoot. This is the part where my brain starts going - and for me, these are the moments when the Holy Spirit whispers to my heart.

Is it not easy to shout 'MY HEART IS CONFIDENT IN YOU, O GOD' and delight in singing the praises of the Lord when life is good, when the sun is shining (I mean this both literally and figuratively - especially for us Minnesotans...we'll go with the figuratively as we don't see the literal sun much these days), when the blessings in our lives are so numerous - it's all we can see. But can I shout this with just as much conviction when I'm in darkness. When a situation seems hopeless. When I can't see Jesus. When I'm in an impossible situation, like David must have felt when he wrote this. Now, what baffles me even more is that it's not like David lists out his troubles and what he is asking God for and then finishes it up with a good old 'I delight in singing your praises' - kind of like the pretty bow on the package. HE STARTS OUT WITH THIS! It's the very first thing out of his mouth. I'm typically more of a - start with the request, end with thanksgiving - kind of pray-er. The Bible refers to David as a man after God's own heart - and I'm wondering if it's that intimate walk with the Lord that leads to David communicating with God in this way. Confident and sure of his God first and foremost, but still sharing his requests (come on - we're instructed to do this - Phil 4:6!!!).

I've been in a bit of a desert lately. I'm told it's normal - that whole post partum, emotional, sleep-deprived, going from one kid to two, etc and etc. That doesn't change the fact that my heart is tired and I feel emotionally bankrupt. Truth be told - I think my 'crazy' is just getting to me and it sometimes gets just plain old looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, even though I KNOW this season is just temporary. Anyway - I know it's different for everyone and that what I'm currently going through may seem so very piddly in comparison to what a real struggle or impossible situation looks like. However, for ME - the practical application of this verse in my life at this current season is to wear this verse like a banner over my whole life. Over every situation. Over every tear. My challenge is to be confident in my very big God - FIRST. Not after I panic about how I'm feeling or after I nurse my 'wounds' of feeling dry and empty. To be so confident in my Jesus that it's NO WONDER that the first thing out of my mouth is praise.

Stepping down off of temporary soapbox...time to shower.